Demyelination

Hey guys, so I know I haven't been writing much. Well, at all really. To be honest, I haven't had much to say. I mean, I guess I've had a lot to say, but I don't want to say it. The disorder is going to shit, and I haven't really wanted to expose you guys to the realities of relapse. ED is completely ruling my life right now. He says jump, and I jump.

Some good things that are going on, the physical therapy is making huge progress and I have high hopes for that. Also, I'm having no trouble keeping my grades up in school.

I don't know, ever since I had that fiasco, which I'm not sure I typed up here because I didn't want to talk about it, it's been nonstop binging and purging. Makes you feel like cold french fries. Was doing a little game with a friend where he didn't watch porn for a week and I don't binge and purge for a week and we see if we can both get to the end of the week clean. I told Casey about it and he looked at me and said "He's going to win, you won't make it to Sunday." Well, he was right. I didn't make it 48 hours.

Been trying to get the binging and purging under control. Started this summer when I hated my parents watch me eat, so I wouldn't eat during the day and then do all my eating at night so they wouldn't see. I just hate being watched. That turned into this horrible binge purge cycle that I'm trying everything within my power to break. Lost "X" pounds this summer, and I'm pretty sure I've gained it all back in the two weeks since school started.

My therapist was trying to work some of the knots out of my stomach and asked what I was feeling. It's always an exercise to have someone touch my stomach, I absolutely hate being touched most of the time, except for hugs from Casey. I said I knew I'd gained weight. I don't know.

I'm sorry, I'm all over the place this morning. I can't really settle down and talk about any one topic in an organized way. Doc says I've been demyelinating again. Demyelinating? Is that even a word? I don't know, I don't care. As long as I keep my grades at A's and keep the honors college director happy enough that he doesn't yank my scholarship, I'm good. Pretty sure my IQ has dropped. I can't think in a straight line anymore. I saw this picture the other day and just started laughing so hard because I totally know the feeling.

"Blame it on my ADD baby?" or the mania, or demyelination? Does it matter? People ask why I live the way I do, as a gypsy soul, laying my head wherever my heart takes me. Picking up and going on an adventure just because I feel like it. I don't know, you learn that life is short and that if you want to climb that mountain, feel that rush, see that forest, smell the lavender, jump out of the airplane, you'd better do it now while you have the chance.

Because tomorrow may come and you'll be terrified of kissing your boyfriend. You'll be stuck in a hospital somewhere, or in some professional's office. You'll go to the gym instead because the anxiety is so high you can't stand to do anything else. Or you may lose your way or forget. Some of us just prefer to sustain ourselves on adrenaline.

I don't know what I'm talking about, that all sounds so dramatic. And the funny thing is I know I had something to say, and I lost it!