KIK

Hey! I'm on #Kik - my username is 'anaschild' kik.me/anaschild . great way to get back in touch with me!

Final Post

Ok guys, this is it. I've already talked to some of you about this, haven't talked to others. But for those of you who don't know, I am SHUTTING DOWN OUT OF THE RABBIT HOLE for various personal reasons. If you have any questions, you can comment or message me.

I'll leave this up for a little while, but in a week or two I will be deleting the blog. (Can you do that? Take a url off the internet? I dont know, haha, I'm so technologically challenged!)

I will be continuing to write, if you would like to keep in contact PLEASE MESSAGE ME OR COMMENT. I'd love to keep in touch with many of you and let you continue to see my writing. Really hoping to get a book published some day and you all are so helpful with that!

Best of luck to you all. I love you all and this past year blogging with you has been so helpful. Words can't even say! Remember, in the words of Winnie the Pooh:

You are braver than you believe,

You are stronger than you seem,

You are smarter than you think,

You are bright beyond your dreams.

And if you ever lose your way

Remember what I say: 

You'll be fine, you'll be fine, you'll be fine.

News

Sorry for going so long without posting guys. For certain reasons, I'm considering shutting this blog down. I'll let you know when I have more information. Thoughts anyone? I love you all, I just may need to be more private in my journaling over the next few months.

Something To Make You Laugh Today =)

Cynics and Critics

Had a mixed day yesterday in regards to relationships. Part of it was great hanging with a couple girlfriends at their apartment. Part of it I realized I can't trust everyone or expect support out of everyone who offers. I need to remember that people (including myself) are often fickle and only in it for themselves. (In this case, guys often aren't looking to be your friend. They're just looking for sex.)

As disappointing as that is, I don't know why I'm surprised. I've gotten lucky with Casey and other guy friends like Ryan, Mike, and Dillon. I sometimes let down my guard and let people in I shouldn't.

Not every man on the face of the planet is as noble as he tries to come across.

Sorry for the cynical post today.

Sometimes I think we push our buttons just for fun.
Sometimes I think our kind of crazy has already been done.
We're a copy of a copy of everything we swore we'd not be,
Yeah, the the hurts, but it hasn't stung enough to stop me.

Oh, please, can't you give us something better than this?
We've built up a tolerance to all your veteran tricks.
You're busy smiling on cue when you don't have a clue.
We're a mess and we know it, we want you to know too.
~Icon For Hire

Video Update

Check out my most recent VIDEO UPDATE! on my google+ account. Click through the link or click on the Cori+ off to the left.

Also, you can check out my videos on my HEATHER JENSEN YOUTUBE CHANNEL!!!

Make It Stop?

A friend sent this to me the other night. He lives near this place called Heather Lane and took this picture with me in mind. Said to look at it any time I felt like cutting myself or bingeing and purging or restricting or overexercising or getting high or whatever. I thought it was absolutely hilarious!

Speaking of cutting, I lost my two months no cutting last night. I know, sad day, sorry guys. I guess I was just feeling really shitty physically. Was having a bad endo day. Angry that I was in bed all day and couldn't work out or burn calories in any way. Guess there's nothing to do but pick myself up, dust myself off, and get back in the saddle.

Addiction

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am, and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're onto me, and all over me.

Oh you loved me cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am, and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're onto me, and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
But one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me...down...

But you're onto me...onto me...and all over.
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long.
~Sara Bareilles (Gravity)

Kati Morton: How Can I Stop Feeling Worthless? Plus, Allowing Myself to Feel Proud of Something

Hey everybody! Happy weekend! I'm getting ready to go hang at a friend of a friend's this weekend, so you may not hear from me tomorrow. But hopefully it will be a lot of fun. A little nervous about the food and exercise situation, but trying to just view it as another challenge to be conquered.

Ok, so today I wanted to share THIS VIDEO from Kati Morton's channel on youtube. (By the way, if you haven't subscribed to her, you totally should! She's a great source and place to find community for mental health issues and eating disorders and you can ask her questions and her videos are AMAZING.) I thought all three topics in this video were applicable and just wanted to share.

Now for this post, I'm going to do her journal topic at the end of the video. I don't always do the journal topics, but I liked this one and thought it would be a good exercise for me as this is something I struggle with. Kati challenged her viewers to write about something that they are most proud of to date.

...

Now, if any of you know me well, you know that I absolutely HATE "bragging" on myself. Even talking about my personal strengths or positive traits is difficult. I tend to more focus on negatives and ways I need to improve. I kinda cover it euphemistically by calling it "bettering myself" when in fact it can be just straight up beating up myself. At times.

So, today I'm going to try to talk about something I like about myself and I am proud of. I wouldn't say there's any one thing I'm most proud of, but here's one thing that does come to mind.

I am proud that I have been able to go through this that and the other and stay positive about life. I am a kind person and am able to talk to people and make them smile and feel good. It would be very easy for me to be in a totally shit mood all the time and be a generally negative person.

More than that, people often say I'm one of the sweetest and kindest souls they've ever met and that they love talking to me and I always put a smile on their face. I live in the world of bright colors, stickers, and cute baby panda videos and never met someone I couldn't make friends with.

So yeah, that's that. Message me if you want to tell me about something you're proud of! Or I guess you could comment too. That works.

I Dont Know...Venting

Really struggling with this today. I went to therapy yesterday for the first time in something around 2 weeks. A lot of stuff had gone down that I was telling Kristy about and it all. As well as recent meltdowns etc... I was talking about breaking the binge purge cycle and losing these stubborn couple of pounds sitting on my tummy and thighs. Kristy said that I didn't need to lose any weight.

Ok guys, here's the deal. I'm a healthy weight. I'm not a skinny mini. I was in Physical Therapy the other day and Amanda was asking questions about the disorder and she said I'm not fat and I'm not skinny and I have the "perfect athletic build". Seriously. I don't look like I have an eating disorder.

It's embarassing.

Yes, I know you don't have to look like you have an ED to have one, but you also don't need to not lose weight just because you have an ED. And I know I'm a healthy weight and I don't NEED to lose weight. But I'm also not super skinny and it wouldn't hurt me to lose a few.

Kristy started talking about skewed perception and shit like that and how I don't see what other people see. Fuck that.

Yeah, I Just Went There

So in light of my recent relapses, I was sort of laughing at myself and thinking about how difficult it was to stay on my meal plan after re-feeding. I was working out and thinking about how I should eat something afterwards to keep on target, and an image from a movie flashed through my head.

Picture this. Darth Vader is ED. Lunch is the objective. "We're coming in Red 2!"

Now watch the CLIP...

Demyelination

Hey guys, so I know I haven't been writing much. Well, at all really. To be honest, I haven't had much to say. I mean, I guess I've had a lot to say, but I don't want to say it. The disorder is going to shit, and I haven't really wanted to expose you guys to the realities of relapse. ED is completely ruling my life right now. He says jump, and I jump.

Some good things that are going on, the physical therapy is making huge progress and I have high hopes for that. Also, I'm having no trouble keeping my grades up in school.

I don't know, ever since I had that fiasco, which I'm not sure I typed up here because I didn't want to talk about it, it's been nonstop binging and purging. Makes you feel like cold french fries. Was doing a little game with a friend where he didn't watch porn for a week and I don't binge and purge for a week and we see if we can both get to the end of the week clean. I told Casey about it and he looked at me and said "He's going to win, you won't make it to Sunday." Well, he was right. I didn't make it 48 hours.

Been trying to get the binging and purging under control. Started this summer when I hated my parents watch me eat, so I wouldn't eat during the day and then do all my eating at night so they wouldn't see. I just hate being watched. That turned into this horrible binge purge cycle that I'm trying everything within my power to break. Lost "X" pounds this summer, and I'm pretty sure I've gained it all back in the two weeks since school started.

My therapist was trying to work some of the knots out of my stomach and asked what I was feeling. It's always an exercise to have someone touch my stomach, I absolutely hate being touched most of the time, except for hugs from Casey. I said I knew I'd gained weight. I don't know.

I'm sorry, I'm all over the place this morning. I can't really settle down and talk about any one topic in an organized way. Doc says I've been demyelinating again. Demyelinating? Is that even a word? I don't know, I don't care. As long as I keep my grades at A's and keep the honors college director happy enough that he doesn't yank my scholarship, I'm good. Pretty sure my IQ has dropped. I can't think in a straight line anymore. I saw this picture the other day and just started laughing so hard because I totally know the feeling.

"Blame it on my ADD baby?" or the mania, or demyelination? Does it matter? People ask why I live the way I do, as a gypsy soul, laying my head wherever my heart takes me. Picking up and going on an adventure just because I feel like it. I don't know, you learn that life is short and that if you want to climb that mountain, feel that rush, see that forest, smell the lavender, jump out of the airplane, you'd better do it now while you have the chance.

Because tomorrow may come and you'll be terrified of kissing your boyfriend. You'll be stuck in a hospital somewhere, or in some professional's office. You'll go to the gym instead because the anxiety is so high you can't stand to do anything else. Or you may lose your way or forget. Some of us just prefer to sustain ourselves on adrenaline.

I don't know what I'm talking about, that all sounds so dramatic. And the funny thing is I know I had something to say, and I lost it!

Welcome to my Life

Another Love - Tom Odell

I want to take you somewhere so you know I care

But it's so cold and I don't know where.

I brought you daffodils on a pretty string

But they won't flower like they did last spring.

And I wanna kiss you make you feel alright

I'm just so tired to share my nights.

I wanna cry and I wanna love,

But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love,

All my tears have been used up

On another love, another love,

All my tears have been used up

On another love, another love,

All my tears have been used up...

And if somebody hurts you I wanna fight

But my hands been broken one too many times.

So I'll use my voice, I'll be so fucking rude.

Words, they always win, but I know I'll lose.

And I'd sing a song that'd be just ours

But I sang 'em all to another heart.

And I wanna cry, I wanna learn to love,

But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love,

All my tears have been used up

On another love, another love,

All my tears have been used up

On another love, another love,

All my tears have been used up...

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

Ok, so I was nominated for the ALS ice bucket challenge. As I hate being filmed, I didn't really want to post a video, so in stead I'll post the OLD SPICE GUYS EPIC WIN and of course donate to the ALS foundation, who has raised over 4 million dollars in less than a month! You go guys!

I nominate Kate Shaw, Zoraida Zavala, Shira Moskowitz, and Dominic Savarese!

Absolutely Normal Chaos

Who's idea was it to take 19 hours? Oh yeah, this chicks! Haha! Seriously, between class, homework, and workouts, I've been running around like a crazy person! Hoping to calm it down after a week though and maybe be able to fit the 16 hour job in. Clinical Phys 2 has been an absolute nightmare. We've gone over 4 chapters (which means 150 pages of reading in that dense textbook!) in just these past couple class periods! I have to believe he's going to slow down after the basic beginning stuff, or we're going to run out of textbook! Week one of school and we'll have covered a fifth of the book! Haha. But seriously though, he can't possibly keep up this pace the whole semester. He's probably just skimming through the beginning review stuff we all already know so we can get to the nitty gritty. And believe me, once we slow down, it will make my homework life A LOT easier! Like, I may be able to actually do stuff with my free time BESIDES read my Clinical Phys 2 textbook and answer chapter questions.

So glad I took 2 years of French in high school! My French teacher is moving very fast as well, but it's all stuff I've learned before (even if I'm having to pull it out of dusty cobwebby filing cabinets in my brain) so I'm keeping up pretty easily.

Today will be the first day of Ultimate Frisbee, and also a day of going to Joplin and seeing Kristy. I'll be glad for the break. Heck, I'm glad for this break just to write a little and give you guys this update.

Eating-wise, not gonna lie, I'm losing weight. Fast. It's not intentional restricting though. Ok, maybe a little of it is, but a lot of it is also busy life. I was doing homework with my roomies in the living room last night instead of doing my normal night-time snack, for example. Or working to fit in homework and workouts. Casey is also working on getting in better shape, so a lot of days I've been doing my workout and then a workout with him.

My coffee has heart shaped ice cubes in it.

Sorry, random note.

Talked with Eddie a little last night. He's moved into his own apartment, so I'm hoping at least Casey can go up and visit sometime. I think that would be really good for him, a chance to see his bros. It may snap him out of the sort of funk he's in. I don't know, or maybe he's not in a funk and it's just me imagining things.

Anyway, I've had fleeting thoughts of dropping down out of 19 hours to 16 or 17, but I think if I want to graduate in 4 years, especially since I took it easy these past 2 semesters, I need to keep up the pace. And I can handle it, I just need to go to class and not slack.

And eat. Ugh. To make my brain work. That's the thing I notice most when I don't eat. My brain gets foggy and I can't think. Dr. Carper was talking yesterday about "Isaac here when he's doing his 400 hurdles and 4 by 4 events. What do you think his glycolysis looks like? How should the coach construct his pre-competition workout?" Then he moved on to looking at me (he knows about the disorder and everything because he's my academic adviser. Great guy don't get me wrong, but sometimes kind of a dick) and saying "Now lets say I'm fucked in the head and I need to run the 400 hurdles, but my metabolic processes have been considerably slowed down by continual starvation? What's going on in my body during my glycolysis? How should coach construct my pre-competition workout to account for my psychological state?"

Really Carper? Fucked in the head? Thanks, thanks a lot.

...I was going to say something and don't remember what it was...

Eh, probably doesn't matter. If it's important it will come to me later.

Classes: Take 2

Had the worst nightmare last night where I was being chased and couldn't get out the door. I tried to scream, but couldn't. I finally squeezed out a "Help! Help!" in my dream. Also...in real life. Felt kinda bad for waking up my roomies.

As to the 2nd day of classes yesterday, I think Tuesdays and Thursdays are going to be much easier. Today I still have one class I've never gone to before, and it's a night class.

Did some sprints with Casey last night. That's something I need to work on as well.

Ugh, a friend is bringing up PTSD. Dude, get a grip on yourself. I don't have PTSD.

First Day Rundown

Good morning guys. Just to let you know, I probably won't be posting quite as much as I have in the past. Maybe I will, I don't know. I'm just taking 19 hours this semester and in the final stages of getting into a 16 hour job, so I'll be super busy. Super pumped about the job, but still don't know if I'm officially in it yet, so we'll see. I'll let you guys know if I get "the call" and will tell you all about the opportunity.

Well, first day of classes yesterday. From 10-2 I had solid class (French, Physiological Psychology, Physiology of Exercise 2, Power of Music). I'm super pumped for my Power of Music class, which is more like the Psychology of Music. It's taught by my honors director (also the director of the Pitt Wind Ensemble) and by one of the psych professors.

Phys 2 will be a hard one, but it's taught by Dr. Carper, and he knows and likes me, so I think if I stay on top of it I'll be good. Just preparing myself mentally for the 7 hour final. Yes, you read that right! But he's an amazing teacher and I think this will be a great opportunity to learn. I mean, if you think about it, this is really getting into the nitty gritty of metabolism. This is stuff doctors are expected to just know and to be able to apply with ease. It HAS to be a hard class.

Computer Information Systems and French today. And then lots of homework. Most of my homework is reading and questions out of the textbook.

I'll get honors credit for Power of Music and then I'm thinking about applying for a Departmental Academic Honors project in Physio Psych to get a couple more honors hours under my belt. That would be a good one to do a project on anyway considering my major combo.

Aside from school, fought with Casey last night. Well, we don't really have "fights" per-se. We have conflicted discussions. I want this to work out so badly.

Anyway, class now.

Second Overdose

Ok, so I know it's been A LONG time since I've written, I'm kinda taking a break from blogging, but hoping to get back into it now as this new semester starts.

So basically, I had my second overdose. And basically it was no bueno. Like really no bueno. I honestly don't remember much about the OD itself. They tell me I took over 20 sleeping and anxiety pills and that my mom had a "bad feeling" and found me passed out in the hallway around 11:30 at night.

So they took me to the ER and did that whole thing. Apparently my heart rate and blood pressure dropped so low and they were worried about my throat closing or my heart stopping, so they admitted me to the ICU. The first thing I remember is waking up with horrible stomach cramps (endo-like cramps?). Cramps so bad that I was screaming when the waves came.

I remember them taking an MRI of my stomach and I remember them giving me pain meds to help. I vaguely remember a GI doctor coming in and talking about how the ED had slowed down my digestion so badly and the activated charcoal and pills had likely just upset my stomach.

I woke up for real the next morning and saw my parents and sister were all sitting in this hospital room with me. I asked where I was, and my mom said I'd already asked 3 times and that I was at Olathe Med in the ICU. I had a psych eval and the suggested I go spend a few days at the mental hospital next door (which I politely rejected) and then they spent the day observing me and trying to get me to eat something. I was rather unreceptive because they wouldn't let me get out of bed. At one point the nurse let me take a walk around the floor, but it was hardly considered exercise.

So yeah, they finally released me and I walked away with my closest experience to death to date.

Anyway, so sorry guys, that's why I kinda went awol for a while. Dont worry though, I'm ok and at Pittsburg and looking forward to the upcoming semester.

I'm Only Half Crazy: My Journey to the 13.1

I was very pleased with my run yesterday (8.25 miles in 1 hour and 38 minutes). The time wasn't my best, but that's not the reason I was pleased. I did the whole thing running and never stopped to walk. I had the energy and control to pace myself from the beginning and to enjoy the whole 8+ miles.

For those of you who don't know, I'm training for a half marathon in November. That has been the focus of my workouts instead of losing weight and burning calories. So this is really exciting for me when I reach functional goals that focus on achievement and accomplishment and what my body can do instead of the numbers and the weight.

Next goal is the 10 miler. I've done 10 miles before, but with many walking breaks because it was always me just forcing myself to keep going. That ED voice in my head saying "if you stop right now, you're a worthless failure" and thus somehow finding the energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Yesterday I had some much needed carbs before my run, some music playing, and it was nice and cool outside. The 8+ miles were pleasant and easy, not forced and miserable.

I know it may not seem like much, but I like celebrating the little victories!