I am officially willing to admit that I have been sucked back into the trap of weighing myself and counting calories. And worrying about my body fat percentage. Lord, I just want to lose body fat right now.
For one of my Exercise Physiology classes, we were learning about conducting fitness assessments and we were practicing on partners. One of the tests is a body composition test, on a machine that is fairly accurate. Well, my body comp was much higher than I thought it was. Much higher than it has been in the past. I've really been kind of freaking out all day. I'm so worried that I'm going to get higher than my boyfriend's ex and then I will be pathetic and worthless. I know that in and of itself is pathetic and worthless and doesn't make any sense, but it's how I'm feeling right now, so if you're going to judge, you can just fuck off. I'm not in the mood to be judged.
It's the competition part of the eating disorder. And the comparison part. I know I weigh less than her, but my boyfriend says I'm taller than her and have a larger frame, so I feel like I need to get lower to compensate. I'm very close to what is a significant weight marker for me, as far as weight loss, and I want to get under it so badly. It's so triggering. And it's me triggering myself.
I just want to relapse so badly.
At the same time, my bingeing and purging has been horrible as well. It's so dumb. And bingeing isn't just like cravings or eating too much or something stupid like that. I'll go into a whole 'nother entry on bingeing and taboo and stigma and misconceptions later. But basically it's where your body just takes over and makes you eat because it needs the calories so badly. It's not just a simple lack of control and eating too much, and it's really no joke and makes you feel like total shit.
I need to buy a body fat scale so I can moniter that.
And I've been counting calories. And measuring my food and all of that. My boyfriend is trying to get me to go inpatient and is very worried. And I don't want to disappoint him and I'm terrified he'll leave. But I just need to lose weight. I can't explain it. And if I go inpatient, they'll make me fat. I can't do that.
God! I don't know what I'm doing. On one hand, I would give anything to have a day without the disorder and depression and anxiety and borderline personality. On the other hand, I don't know how to live without it. I literally cannot remember what it is like to go a day without disordered thinking. This is all I've known for almost half my life. (Well, 8 years out of 19.) I'm afraid of letting it go.
And I want to get low. Very low. I'm so close to relapse I can almost taste it. At the same time, I know that would be VERY VERY bad and I would hurt a lot of people.
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This is such bullshit. I don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted, it hurts.
It was a bad Endo day today, so maybe that's why I'm so jumbled. My period was 3 days late, even though I was still cramping. But this morning, the cramps hit hard and I absolutely flooded. I'm enjoying this break right now in the pain and hoping it will last longer.
Lets see, what's something positive I can talk about? I went and played frisbee again. Lots of fun, and my team won. My foot is sore, but I'm still glad I went. I'm worn out socially though.
I just want to tear my skin off. Rip out of my body. I am so jumpy right now, I just want to get away. I hate myself so much. Trying not to be suicidal. Or not to cut.
I have to tell my parents about the self harm this weekend. I mean, I don't have to, but I'm choosing to. It's better I tell them now than they find out later from a therapist or from seeing the cuts. It will be hard, but I have to believe it will be better this way.
Good luck me.
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