Descartes Is My Homeboy

I'm not going to lie, last night was a rough night. A lot of bad things happened behavior wise. I'm doing my best to start today as a new day and not going into restriction mode, because that will put me into a full blown cycle of badness.

I was texting with one of my two best friends, and he was trying to calm me down. He was asking about what was going on in my mind and why I do what I do. Why do I think skinny is better? I hate it when people ask hard questions. This was good though because it really made me think.

My final answer was that if I eat, I am giving into worldly desires. I am letting my physical body win. That it wasn't about becoming skinny, it was about shrinking into nothing. After all, dead girls are skinnier. Dead girls are bones. Not eating puts my head in the clouds. When I eat, I lose and become imperfect. It's about beating my body, which rules my mind, to pursue the perfection of my soul. I used the term "my mind has raped my soul". It's about reaching a sort of purity of the spirit for me. Existentialism. Transcendence.

"So, like Descartes?" he asked. I asked what Descartes said. He said that Descartes believed that the soul existed in the mind, but the mind corrupted the soul's nature.

This is totally head on.

No pun intended.

Seriously, Descartes is my new favorite philosopher. Add overcoming the worldly body to that, and you've got anorexia for me. (Or EDNOS. I really don't know which I am anymore. I've had so many diagnoses, it's not even funny. But I guess the label isn't important.) But for me, it's all about battling myself on a deeper level to become better. Not necessarily better than everyone around me, but just better than myself.

Note: People with EDs generally don't judge those around them. We don't think everyone else is fat. We just think we are fat. It's not ok for me to eat that cupcake, but its ok for you to eat that cupcake. You know what I mean?

In fact, I envy other people. I literally cannot remember a time without my ED. I don't know what it's like to eat normally and not worry about food. I don't even know what eating normally is. I have to ask my boyfriend if what I'm eating is a normal dinner or lunch or a normal portion size. It's sad.

So yeah. Descartes. Souls. Good shit.