Doctors Appointment

Went to the doctor on Monday morning to try and work a few things out with my physical health in relation to my mental health and with medications. They did a bunch of blood work and an EKG, and that all came back normal. YAY! He said I could still stand to gain a little weight, but I've been eating enough that I've gotten my body out of the "danger zone" and I'm fueling all of my emergency systems. I've been working really hard, and this shows that it has paid off.

He's keeping me on the SSRIs, and also added some Lorazepam to take as needed when I'm having an anxiety attack, and that should help mellow me out. I'm hoping this will help to stop the cutting and bingeing/purging, because those are all behaviors I revert to during anxiety attacks. They will only give me 10 pills at a time and I'm supposed to be careful with them because they're very potent and highly addictive, but I still think it will be a good thing.

I've been missing a lot of school lately for all the appointments, but I think I should be able to catch up. I'm going to a makeup test at 2 and have another makeup test tomorrow morning, so hopefully that will get me back to where I need to be.

I told my parents about the cutting (my therapist was going to tell them in a couple of days anyway, so I figured it was better they heard it from me than from her). They were sad of course and didn't understand. I think it was the moment when it clicked for them that shit's real.

I feel under a microscope now. It's so embarrassing. My doctor asked me all kinds of questions about it all and wanted to see the cuts. And I know my mom's going to follow up on it and ask questions. She doesn't even really say it. She just says "what you do to your legs". I know it's gross and uncomfortable, but you can say the words. It's reality.

Yeah, shit's definitely gotten real.