The Devil Always Seems to Find a Way

Well, I've got good news and bad news. I'll start with the bad news first so that I can end with the good news and you guys won't be left feeling like negatively mindfucked shits. If you would like, I guess you could just skip to the last paragraph and read the good news. But I'm going to type out the bad news as well because it will hep me work through it all in my head.

Soooooo, the other night Casey and I were talking and he basically said he couldn't sit around and watch me destroy myself. So if I get too skinny and in danger, he's going to break up with me. And if I have to leave for a semester, he will also break up with me because he doesn't want to deal with a long distance relationship.

I think I'm going to try and back off of him a little and give him some more space, I know I'm difficult to deal with and my mental issues can be a lot at times. I"m going to try to start hanging out with some old friends from across the hall more (who I used to hang out with all the time) so that I can still be with people, but I'm not always putting so much pressure on him.

So basically after he told me this, he had to go off to a study group. I was kinda upset, so I went to work out for 2 hours. Then I was driving back from the gym to my apartment. I don't know what happened, I guess I just decided to keep on going. Anyway, I drove out of town to the middle of nowhere, pulled off the highway, and then just stopped and sat on top of my car for a little while. It was a little chilly, but it was a clear night and the stars were out and beautiful.

And then I cut, which I haven't done for a very long time. I won't give the details because that might be triggering. But I was so angry at myself and hated myself so much.

The next day Casey found the cuts and was of course concerned. I was still a little upset and I hadn't eaten very much, so my brain was in a fog. Anyway, I was walking down a flight of stairs carrying laundry, and I missed the last step. I didn't spill anything and caught myself, but I did something to my foot and it hurts to walk! I was limping around all yesterday. I iced it and took ibuprofen last night. Today, I'm not limping, but it still hurts to walk. I'm terrified I won't be able to work out! And so pissed off at myself. I have to work out.

And I'm so terrified he's going to leave me. So terrified. He's my motivation for doing all of this. And without him, I go back to being that hurt lonely girl in that dark dark place. The devil lives in the dark, and the devil always seems to find a way.

Anyway, so now for the good news. I got an A on my test yesterday, which means I'm no longer in immediate danger of getting kicked out of the honors program I'm in! I get to keep my full ride scholarship for at least a little longer! Yay! Now I just have to pull off this academic journal article I'm supposed to write and do two more big projects next semester, and I'll be caught up! I can do this. Like the little engine that could. I think I can I think I can I think I can. It's just so difficult playing catch up and recovering when about 90% of my brainpower is on recovery, 5% on social life, and 5% on school. But I can do this.