Craziness

Soooooo, I'm in California sitting on a bed in a hotel room in San Francisco. I drove to KCI from Pburg yesterday afternoon for a flight out here to go to my cousin's wedding, which is 3:00 this afternoon. Then I have a flight at 6am tomorrow to go back to KCI and drive back to Pburg.

I know, long weekend.

I'll start by talking about yesterday. Well, maybe the night before. Basically there's a lot to say. Thursday night I had a psychotic episode. A bad one. I was planning on trying to go to Campus Christians with Casey again. I had my normal dinner, but then I had a handful of cheerios and a spoonful of peanut butter. Normally I would be able to get past something like that, but I was having a really bad body image day, and it set me off. I was terrified people would see the weight gain from that extra 300 calories on my stomach (hey, I said it was a PSYCHOTIC episode, like the time I was convinced everyone knew I had eaten pasta. It doesn't make sense, but at the time it's very real to me and I'm totally convinced of it.)

So I texted my boyfriend that I couldn't come and I needed to go to the gym for a second workout. he asked if everything was ok and I started talking about wanting to peel my skin off and cut my stomach off and get out of my body somehow. So he came over (despite my protests, because I was trying to go to the gym) and sat me down to watch a movie (Broken Arrow with John Travolta and Christian Slater). I was shaking and fidgeting and wound tight as a string the whole time. I finally took one of my "chill pills" (Lorazepam).

Ok, so move to Friday. I woke up at 5AM and drank copious amounts of coffee and went to run 9 miles (I was only planning on doing 3, but the eating disorder wouldn't let me stop. It was a case of "1 more quarter mile. 1 more quarter mile. 1 more quarter mile") thereby skipping my 3 morning classes. Then I ate an apple and drove up to KCI.

Now I'm sitting in a hotel room with my sister after breakfast. It was a bigger breakfast than I normally eat, but I wanted to do well for her. And there's a little gym, so that should be ok.

I've been nervous about this wedding for a long time. I have to wear a dress, but I chose one that has ruffles around the stomach, so hopefully I won't feel too self conscious about it. And I just have to keep reminding myself that everyone isn't looking at me, everyone is looking at my cousin and how beautiful she is in her dress and with her "bridal glow".

Then there's the food at dinner. And the cake.

I'm just not going to think about that right now because it will make me nervous.

As for a positive note, my sister is texting with the guy she's gone on four dates with and I really like him!

Ok, I guess that's it for today. I'm rambling now. I should stop. Ok.