Progress Report

Well, basically I'm losing weight. I'm fitting comfortably into clothes I haven't fit in for a while. My jeans are literally falling down. I am at a weight considerably lower than my boyfriend's old girlfriend.

And I feel pretty fucking awesome about it all.

I know it's bad. And I know I got there by restricting and working out. I haven't been bingeing or purging, so I guess that's good from a "disordered behaviors" standpoint, but that also means I've been taking in a significantly lower number of calories.

And part of me is still like "maybe my natural body set point is lower. Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be. Maybe this is healthy for me." But at the same time I know that this BMI and body fat percent is probably not healthy.

But for me it could be?

Or am I lying to myself?

I don't know. I just know it feels so great to be losing weight and to be getting lower and lower. I feel so accomplished and successful and in control, and I don't want to let go of all of that.

And it feels really good to be wearing an old pair of "skinny" shorts (hey, it's 70 degrees here right now. I know, it's November.) and have my boyfriend come up to me and say I look sexy. I know he doesn't know they were my skinny shorts and that they have particular significance for me in my eating disorder, but it still feels good.

He's really bad at telling the difference in size. I feel like he wouldn't notice I looked "bad" until I started getting even lower. So I feel like I don't have to gain 10 or 15 pounds just to make him happy, because he probably wouldn't even notice the difference.

My sister noticed I'd lost, but she's my sister.

I like my hip bones and ribs and collar bones and chest bones. I like that I can see them. I know it's sick, but it makes me feel better. I feel like even if the world ended, it would be ok because I can see my chest bones.

And the world may be ending. I had to take a biomedical ethics test that I missed from being in California while I was burning with fever and I got a 75% which drops my grade in the class permanently to a B. The second B in my life (the other one has also happened in the past 6 months. I don't know whether to blame my ED or myself). This particular class I needed to get an A in to get my honors credit, so that means I won't be getting the credit for this semester. That's strike 2. I have one more chance next semester & then it's 3 strikes I'm out (full ride scholarship lost).

But I'm talking with my director, and he's willing to work with me and wants to do what is best for my health. So it will hopefully be ok. And I'm super excited for all of my classes next semester, so that will make it easier. I'm taking World Geography, Positive Psychology, Psychology of Learning, Physiology of Exercise 1, Abnormal Psychology, and Intro to Group Processes. 18 hours, but 18 fun hours (except for the geography gen ed, but, hey, what can you do?)

A little about this weekend I guess. I was supposed to go home, but I was super tired and not feeling well, so I stayed in P-burg and did some writing and homework and yoga and naps and tea. Not too bad of a day. It was game day (we lost to MSSU for the first time in 18 years) but I didn't feel up to braving the crowds. It was a good relaxing alone day though. Not too happy with how much I ate or how little I exercised, but trying not to beat myself up about it.

My boyfriend made the Ultimate Frisbee team for the tournament at Drury University in Springfield (I didn't want to be the only girl trying out, so I didn't). They didn't win, but were competitive and had lots of fun. He came home totally bushed and sore this evening, so I took him to get some chili and then to take a warm shower and go to bed. He is totally crashed out now.

I might crash too. It's only 11:12 PM, but I need to catch up on some sleep. I've been entirely too stressed and sleep deprived lately.

Tomorrow is a new day.