Charcoal and Chocolate Syrup

Many of you have been requesting information regarding my recent overdose. I have really been avoiding addressing too much personal stuffs over the past weekish, but I think now I’m ready to tell the story.

On the 17^th, I had just finished a binge and was struggling not to then compensate by purging or working out. I got very tense and worked up and took a bottle of Lorazepam. I wanted the voices in my head to stop and I wanted to not think anymore. After I realized what I had done, I texted a friend in a total tizz. He persuaded me to go to my parents ASAP, knowing I only had a matter of minutes before I was completely out of it. I went to my mom and told her I needed to go to the hospital. In my t-shirt and jammie pants, my dad wrapped me up in his coat and they whisked me to the ER.

I remember texting with my friend on the ride there and him asking me if I was there yet and how I was doing, but I don’t remember much after getting to the hospital. Just bits and pieces. I remember being weighed and having numerous blood draws. I remember the IV and I remember contacting my boyfriend and another friend in a panic. I remember everyone kept trying to take my phone away, but I wouldn’t let them.

I remember the kind nurse who, after putting the IV in, came back to put a warm blanket over me, saying she had felt how cold my arms and hands were, and how no one should be that cold.

And I remember drinking the charcoal mixture, given with a cup of chocolate syrup on the side that I could add if I wanted. I remember asking if the chocolate syrup was sugar free, and hearing that it wasn’t, but my dad told me I could count it as part of the binge, so I put it in anyway.

Everything else I know, I was told afterwards. Something about kittens on the ceiling and a couple incoherent facebook posts (which I deleted afterwards). I don’t know how long I was there, but I kept talking about wanting to work out and asking where the gym was. That night, I went straight to bed and don’t remember anything until I woke the next morning, feeling very hung over.

But I feel like I’ve turned a corner in my recovery. A second wind, if you will. A new rush of motivation. I told my boyfriend afterwards when he called that I feel like I’m so close. So close I can taste it.

He asked me what being close tasted like. I answered “Charcoal and chocolate syrup.”