Enough

Before I begin, let me direct your attention to the recipes page and the book progress page where I have posted new material! Yay!

Ok. I woke up this morning later than normal because I had taken 2 doses of chill pills last night. I wanted to be out. I wanted to not think. I rolled out of bed and my boyfriend asked what I wanted to do today. I said "whatever you want to do". He looked at me and asked if I thought I had self worth. I thought about this question for a second and said I thought I had the potential for self worth. He hugged me and said he wasn't going to let me go until I thought I had self worth. I echoed the words he wanted to hear back to him, but he said it sounded like I didn't believe what I was saying. I thought about it for a little, believed that he thought I had self worth, and said the words again.

I got up then and went to the scale. Now understand, I ate ice cream last night. And a large salad. My boyfriend convinced me to eat more yesterday than I wouldn't normally eat. And the night before, I ate pizza and a calzone with him. Super scary stuff! And I wasn't feeling too great about it all (hence the two chill pills last night). So I thought I just had to know. I had to see the scale.

My boyfriend watched me step on. Step off, then step on again to double check.

"Holy fucking shit." I whispered.

I heard him say "come here" and I walked to him with my head hung like a puppy dog with it's tail between it's legs. "I love you. And you know what I don't care about?"

"A stupid number on the scale?" I asked.

"A stupid number on the scale." He answered.

And we hugged.

Then he went onto my computer and changed all the thinspo on the background of my computer to pictures of puppy dogs.

Yesterday was a snow storm, and today it's snowy and beautiful outside. I'm here with my boyfriend and we're getting ready to go get breakfast. I didn't work out yesterday and I might work out today, or I might not. And it is uncomfortable. But I need to be ok with it; secure in the knowledge that he loves me and nothing I see on facebook about his old girlfriend effects what we have here and now. He says I'm fun and play games with him and his friends (who all like me) and do stupid stuff and am really laid back and chill. He says I'm smarter than her and that I write amazingly. He says I have a kind and caring heart. He says I sing pretty.

And that should be enough for me.

In honor of the coming winter season and the first snow =)