Interesting note. I was having a conversation the other day and it was mentioned that it must be frustrating to not be always in control of your own mind. I mean, with the Borderline Personality and the psychosis and hallucinations and panic attacks, it's true. Sometimes I don't know what's real and what's not.
The other day, I was having a panic attack and was convinced that I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was living outside of my body and I was being suffocated in a very "open space" sort of way. I'd touch myself to make sure I was still there. I could feel myself when I touched myself, so I knew I still had a body, but I felt like I was simply looking at it and touching it, but not living in it. Like I was across the room, panicking with no physical bounds. Just floating in air. I told my boyfriend not to let me fall asleep because I was convinced my heart would stop if I fell asleep.
This sort of thing is a common occurrence for me. Me believing wholeheartedly at the time in something that isn't true. Feeling something that my mind is making up. Sensing even.
Is it frustrating? Yes. I look in the mirror and I literally don't know what I look like. That is frustrating. I hear voices in the back of my head telling me things I want to believe but know I can't. That is frustrating. Sometimes I am perfectly normal and enjoy that sense of normalcy before it is taken away from me in a second if something triggers me or sets me off. That is frustrating.
I am angry at my mind.
At the same time, it is who I am. It lets me think in an abstract way and understand things on a less than concrete level, because that is my reality. It's a very dynamic way of living and it keeps life and our concept of reality in perspective.
Is it frustrating? Yes. But I'm doing my best to take the bad and hope that I can use it and the gifts it has given me to do something good.
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