My Own Wobbly Feet

Yesterday was my first 24 hour period without the support of my wonderful boyfriend. He was officially off at lifeguard training at the camp where he'll be working this summer. A camp with no internet and very sketchy phone signal, when he's even ALLOWED to use the phone.

I talked to Kristy my therapist about it yesterday after I drove 2 and a half hours to Joplin just to see her and talk to her about what was going on in my head. She asked me what I would do if one day he was just gone, be that via break up or whatever. She asked me to think about what I would do in my recovery without him. She said this was a good trial run to learn to rely on my own strength and stand on my own feet, however wobbly.

I'm not going to lie, a year ago when I started recovery, it was because of Casey. It was because he showed me that life could be fun and that maybe it was worth the fight to boot ED out the window and keep going. That it was worth fighting every day, no matter how exhausted I became. He has been with me every step of the way through rehab, counseling, and weight restoration. He has held my hand, cheered me on from the sidelines, and hugged me and told me I am beautiful.

We texted a little last night and he asked how I was doing. Said he loved me and that he thought about me a lot. But it is still hard. And I know that now (48 hours without hearing his voice) I have a long summer ahead of long weeks without contact.

Long distance is hard. This is brutal.

And yet I know that it is important. It is something to think about. It is a chance for me to learn and grow in my own recovery and in my own identity of self. I also know that however true that may be, it sucks anyway.

I've been leaning hard on other friends, so I hope I don't wear them out. Sometimes seeking affirmation in places I probably shouldn't. My heart is craving that right now.

Played tennis with my dad yesterday and just got super aggressive. Rushed the net a lot, got in his face. Slammed into the corners of the court. Took advantage of his age and my youth. Wasn't afraid to give it some english or dominate the court with my long legs and arms. Make it my bitch. He said I played very well. I knew I played angry.

Something about it didn't feel right.

Something about the past 48 hours hasn't felt right. That sort of attitude. "Life is my slut, I'll use people for my own devices, and I don't care." I think there's a song about that.

Sometimes when I lie, I know you're onto me

Sometimes I don't mind how hateful that I can be.

Sometimes I don't try to make you happy.

I don't know why I do the things I do to you.

But sometimes I don't wanna be better.

Sometimes I can't be put back together....

Sometimes when you cry I just don't care at all...

I want someone to hurt like the way I hurt,

It's sick but it makes me feel better.

Sometimes I can't hide the demons that I face

Sometimes don't deny

I'm sometimes sinner, sometimes saint.

Or maybe Trying Not To Love You by Nickelback would be closer to the mark. ED is here, I'm missing love, and it would be so easy to fall back to him.

But if there's a pill to help me forget

God knows I haven't found it yet...