Hey guys! Sorry for not posting the last few days. I've been working through an immensely triggering situation and basically been avoiding human interaction as much as possible over the past few days. Except for contact with my therapist. Yesterday I had a 2 hour session with her, which I'm pretty sure is a first. But I was also loaded with about 48 ounces of coffee on an empty stomach, which probably wasn't the best idea. But hey, they gym was closed. What was I supposed to do? Needed to relieve all that anxiety somehow.
I guess today I'll let you guys in on whats going really well in my life right now, which is my internship. Of course I've been given the grunt work of filing and making copies and counting supplies, but also some larger jobs like helping with the facebook page and putting together the volunteer promotional video. It's been great to get to know all the ladies in the office as well, though I struggle with all the names.
Even though I dont get to sit in on some of the counseling yet, I do get to hear some of the client stories and snippets that go on outside the rooms, which has actually been rather enlightening. I ask as many questions as I can to learn as much as I can and make the most of my time there. I can't go into specifics of cases, but there have been some interesting situations I got to see the client advocates work through.
Today I even got to see a lot of their post abortive material and talk to my boss for about an hour about the post abortive process at this and other crisis pregnancy centers. I found particularly interesting the studies of PTSD and suicide in post abortive women vs in "normal" pregnancies or miscarriages. My boss told a couple of stories of clients she has worked with, and I got a pretty good idea of the effect of abortion and process of healing (though I already was aware of the psychological consequences.)
She said one women had said that she "wished someone had told her it would be like this" as far as the detrimental effects of abortion on mental health and quality of life. Part of me wanted to be like "well, isn't it obvious it's going to fuck with your head" but another part of me noticed how familiar that phrase sounded. I'm pretty sure I've used that exact phrase in a piece of writing about my eating disorder. I wish someone had told me that it would get into my head and scramble my logic and nothing would make sense. That the depression and anxiety would be so devastating. I never would've gone down the rabbit hole if someone had told me. Sounds just like what she was saying with the abortion.
But I guess the thing is pickles can't turn back time and fall back to being cucumbers.
Maybe that's why choices are so hard. Once you've made a choice, be it conscious like an abortion, or unconscious like an ED, its made forever. Sometimes the effects of a choice can be reversed. Like if I choose to type an R right here, I can always go back and erase that R. Even if I publish this post, I can still decide to remove that R and edit the post. But some choices, like abortions or EDs can't be reversed. They're there forever. Time can't go backwards. And you can't turn the pickles back into cucumbers.
I'm faced with a choice now with my boyfriend this summer. It's hard with him so far away and unable to talk, you know? 10 minutes on the phone in the middle of the week plus the weekend doesn't seem to cut it, so I've been relying on other areas for support. Stepping out of the zone of what one would consider "appropriate" you might say, in order to feel "ok" with myself. When faced with a choice, I want to make the "right" one. Because I know that its not fun and games anymore. It's not kicks and giggles. So often I don't take things seriously and just screw around because, hey, it doesn't matter anyway.
But some choices are real life, and that's what's scary.
He's having a good time at his job at least. Doing a lot of life guarding. He says as many as 1400 kids go through that camp every week! So they've been keeping him really busy. Hopefully we can talk some this weekend.
Gosh, I didn't mean to get into anything deep in this post. Sorry. I guess I was just rambling a little. I'll wrap it up now. Quick reminder that the NEDA walk is SATURDAY!!! So this is the last chance to donate if you want to! Check out the tab above for more information on donating!
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