Struggles

Last night was hard. Night time is always hardest for me. It's when I feel the loneliest. I always have to be texting or skypeing or facebooking with someone or another or else I begin to freak out and lose it.

I know that's kinda pathetic, but I think it stems from that bad relationship I had. We'll call him Thomas. I used to go and spend the night with him and he would tell me how lucky I was to have him. Because I was a broken defect and no one else would ever want me and he was my guardian angel. I guess that's why I stuck around as long as I did. He knew about the Ana and would poke fun at my stomach or at me. During dinner he would make pig noises and at his place he would tell me how fat and worthless I was and why I was lucky he was kind enough to bother with me.

I went over to his place every night, until I finally said I was done. It was pathetic, I know.

But now I have to have some kind of connection with someone every night or else I start to lose it, and most of the time that looks like a binge/purge cycle.

I was talking to my boyfriend last night (who is amazing, don't get me wrong. And who I haven't seen for 3 months because I'm in Kansas and he's spent the summer in Maryland and who I miss so much, but get to see on Sunday! Yay!) and all he wanted to do was "talk sexy". So I guess I just felt kind of overwhelmed and lonely. I'm not very good at "sexy talk". Actually, I guess I should say I can talk the talk but I can't walk the walk. I get uncomfortable easily and being touched isn't my favorite thing. I'm terrified of being seen naked.

So I binged.

I didn't purge though, at least I got that part right. But now I wish so badly I had because my stomach is sticking out this morning. I know I've gained weight, but I don't know how much. I'm not allowed to weigh myself. At the treatment center, they weigh me, but they don't let me see the number.

My natural inclination is in turn to restrict all day today. But I know if I restrict breakfast and lunch I'll be hungry tonight and it will all just happen over again. That's one of the hard things about being in recovery. Once you let go of your wish to restrict and you try to start eating all this food again, your self control streak is gone and you end up with a lot of binges, which really sucks. Because then you have to sit through it and you're not allowed to purge or exercise.

So I'm going to try and eat my normal breakfast and treat today as a new day. Forget about last night and move on. I go back to school on the 19th and I move back into my apartment on the 17th, so today is PACKINGPACKINGPACKING!!!!! A good distraction from my disgusting stomach, I hope.

Oh! Casey (my BF) hasn't seen me for three months! What if I have gained a lot of weight? What if he hugs me and my stomach sticks out and he is grossed out by me. He's always been pro recovery, but over the summer I've lost my abs and a lot of muscle tone. And what if he doesn't want me anymore?

Nervous now. Trying not to think about it. Oh God, breakfast.