ED Voice

Have been bingeing. Horribly. Feel so fat. I need to lose weight so bad it hurts. I think I'm going to go back to 1000 calories a day for a week just to get myself under control. Psychologically, I'm doing very bad.

I don't know what to do to stop it. Last night I was so productive and got so much homework done to try and stop the binge, and it still didn't stop!

So, the new rules for the next week:

1. 1000 calorie daily goal (1500 absolute max cap to give myself some leniency).
2. No eating after 8:00
3. At least 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Only "clean" food, no crap

I'm thinking about going to walmart and getting some fiber chews and caffeine pills, which I got hooked on last semester. I mean caffeine pills aren't as bad as the diet pills I used to use. They're not horrible. I just need to get my weight down for a while. I need to get it down so badly.

Maybe I should post this list on my fridge. It's horrible, because when you binge, it's almost and amnesiac state. You're body just needs food, so it will make you give food to it, no matter what the cost. It's something now one wants to talk about, but we need to talk about. The anorexic who can overcome binge urges has the highest form of control. I was there for a while. I know I can do it again.

I just realized my eating disorder wrote this whole post, not me. I wonder what my boyfriend would say if he could read it. But I feel so shitty right now. I don't understand what's been going on in my head these past few days. I keep trying to remind myself of my neuroscience post. I don't understand what is going on in my brain because my brain has changed. It is no longer a normal brain, on the physiological level. That's not an excuse, but it is an encouragement that I'm not crazy.