Fear

My boyfriend was over last night. I mentioned wanting to try and lose weight and stop my periods. He said he wasn't going to sit around and watch me make myself sick. He said he wanted to see me gain 2 pounds by next week. I asked him if I was needy, he said "Yes, but you don't act like it." What does that even mean.

He jerked off and then he left. I was feeling very crappy and I texted him to try and get support. I just got a bunch of 1 word answers, so I assumed he didn't want to talk to me.

I binged and purged and cut.

I'm so afrraid I'll drive him away. I'm so afraid to lose him. I don't know what I'd do without him. Without him I'd be right where I was last semester. Trapped by these four walls of my room. Drowning in starvation and food and exercise and drugs and whiskey. Getting 2 hours of sleep a night.

And the night is the worst. I used to find guys to spend the night with just so I wouldn't have to be alone. I was so scared of being alone. Apparently I still am. I went through 5 guys in the coarse of the month after the bad relationship I was in ended. None of them were real relationships. Some of them had girlfriends. None of that really mattered I guess. You just feel warm and safe and protected when you're in a guys's arms.

I'm so afraid he'll leave. He says he has no intention to any time soon.

I asked how you know you love someone. He said "you choose to." I guess maybe he really does love me then. But I'm so afraid he'll leave. I'm so afraid he'll go away. I couldn't stand that.