My boyfriend and I went out to look for the Joplin Spooklight last night. For those of you who don't know, a spooklight is a supposed orb of light that pops up generally between 10 and midnight at various specific locations around the world. It floats there for a while, and no one really knows what it actually is. I think, if it is a real thing, it's probably balled lightning. And last night was Friday the 13th, so we thought it would be a fun night to go see if we could find the spooklight. (It was very creepy at first on this little middle of nowhere podunk sketchy road in the dark!)
Well, we didn't see it, but we still had a good time. Spent some time stargazing, and I saw my first shooting star. It was a little chilly, but we cuddled on the hood of his car and the engine provided some warmth. Oh, and the cuddling was nice too =)
We had an interesting discussion about sex. We were kissing a little (maybe the reason why we didn't wee the spooklight) and he made some kind of comment like "I want to fuck you so hard". I said that I thought slow and easy would be sweeter and began talking about emotional connections and "making love" as opposed to "fucking". He looked at me like I had two heads.
It was a little frustrating almost because I asked him if he didn't "feel" anything inside when we were kissing or something like that and if he thought it was an emotional act at all? As opposed to purely for physical pleasure. He just said that he liked my body and he thought I was fucking hot.
Um, is this a common thing? When people get married, is that all it is? A commitment to be fuck buddies? Does love not exist at all?
Love is a concept that I have extreme difficulty wrapping my head around. I don't believe I've ever felt love, I don't feel like I deserve love, and I have trouble hoping that love is ever something I will feel. I mean, who would love someone like me. It's possible, because of my illness, that I might not ever even be able to have sex. Who would consider spending the rest of their life with someone like that?
I just had an interesting thought just now that "I obviously need to lose more weight". Would that make me loveable? Why did I think that? But somehow that thought is sticking in my head that that will solve everything.
Anyway, it was still a fun evening. I'm hoping maybe he will spend the night tonight. I really need a good cuddle right now. Am I using him as a crutch? Hell yes. But I don't know what else to do sometimes.
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