Struggles with Endo

Ok, sorry guys that I've been out of the picture for a little while. It was my period week this week and the endometriosis was hitting me really hard. Then I got a really bad migraine. I think I freaked my boyfriend out because I passed out on him Monday night. He decided to stay the night to make sure I was ok. He wasn't sure what was going on or what he should do, so he freaked out a little. But I'm feeling a little better now. Kinda light headed, and feel like I'm going to yark, but I'm hoping that will pass.

I haven't worked out in three days because I haven't been feeling well enough to get out of bed. And I'm eating too much. I need to gain control. I'm not purging, which is good, but I can tell I'm gaining weight. If there's one thing I haven't gotten over yet, it's this intense fear of weight gain. I'm afraid to step on a scale because I know it will be a high number.

And it's not the "what it does to my body" that I'm afraid of. I mean, people have told me I'm one of the thinnest people they know and that they can't tell the difference between + or - 5 pounds. It's just the number. I associate higher numbers with worthlessness and failure. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I become disgusted with myself. If I can't control something as easy as weight and food, what can I control?

The guy I used to see who was abusive used to say he wanted me to get down to the bmi of Kiera Knightly: 17.2. That number still haunts me. I'm not sure that's something that will ever go away. There are some things that time just can't erase.

When I was in a lot of pain and my boyfriend was holding me, I asked him what I could do to pay him for his kindness. He kept saying "nothing, just be you". This didn't compute because when I was with the other guy, I paid for it by letting him hit me and do what he wanted with me. I feel like I need to pay for the inconvenience I cause.

I was with my boyfriend last night and let him get off on me. Is that payment? It sort of left a bad taste in my mouth, and I think it did for him too. We were making out and at one point he said "I don't even care" and he just went for it. I don't think he ever smiled afterwards. And then he left. I just held still for him and let him do what he wanted. Is there something wrong with that?