Yesterday

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I have been home for the weekend and keeping pretty busy. I brought my boyfriend home to meet my parents (finally) and we were up and around and all over the city. We did dinner and my sister's apartment warming party and the big art fair downtown. I think my parents liked him, especially my mom. My dad took him aside to give him the "shotgun talk". I wasn't eavesdropping or anything, I swear, but I heard them come back inside and I heard my dad say "You have my respect, it's yours to lose." So that's a good sign that he liked him. Casey told me my father said my sister and I were the cream of the dating crop and that he was lucky. He told me he agreed and that I was wonderful and special and beautiful and smart and kind and all these things. I wish I could believe him.

I've been getting extremely triggered by everyone and everything I see. I've started doing thinspo again. I set a lot of pictures as the background to my computer. Casey saw it last night and I could tell he was upset. He kept asking me why I looked at it and if I thought it was helping and he begged me to take it off the computer. I haven't yet. It helps me to not binge, if I see it there.

Last night was a bad night. Casey and I went to Noodles and Company in Kansas City before coming back to P-burg. Noodles are a huge fear food of mine. I had a half sized Pesto Cavatappi with whole grain noodles; about 400 calories. More than I usually have for lunch, and mostly carbs and fat. I made it through ok, and we drove back to Pitt. Then he wanted to go get ice cream, so I came with him for that as well. I just want him to be happy, and he gets a kick out of feeding me. Then he wanted to go play Frisbee, so we did that for a while. But a lot of people were around and I became very nervous, as I do in situations where a bunch of people are around and I feel like they're watching me. He wanted to go to McDonald's for dinner. I had the fruit and maple oatmeal, but it still made me very nervous because it was McDonald's and I don't know how much sugar they put in. It was definitely much more sweet and creamy than my normal oatmeal. Then I needed to go grocery shopping, which always makes me nervous. We got to the end of grocery shopping and he wanted to share one of those boxes of 10 cookies. We got back to my place and I just broke down. I couldn't handle the cookies. I didn't eat one of them. I got really tense and started shaking and having quite the meltdown. It was just too much. He felt bad and cuddled me and said he was sorry and was just trying to push me and he wanted me to get better and he loved me. I felt so awful. It's not his fault I'm a horrible girlfriend who can't engage in normal activities that everyone else loves. I just want to make him happy.

I feel so fat. So very fat. I hate myself so much. I'm sliding backwards, and I'm scrambling to try and stop it. It's like something's pulling me. Someone's pulling me. And I know exactly who my devil is. I feel helpless to stop it.

Period starts on Tuesday. Or at least, is supposed to start on Tuesday. I've been feeling crappy and spotting on and off all week. Comes with the territory I guess.

Let me end with good news. I got a 134/130 on my kinesiology exam and a 52/50 on my research methods and statistics class. Setting the curve baby.