A Heart of Bone

I'm so close to relapsing. I just need to lose weight. I can't explain it.

His old girlfriend is prettier than me. I heard it from his own lips. It cut right into my chest. And she was skinny. I have to get skinnier. I have to get below her. That's the only way I can beat her.

He said he hates her. He said she deals with her problems by controlling other people and I deal with my problems by controlling myself. He says I'm sweeter. But I can't get over the fact that I have to lose weight to feel like I measure up to her.

I know it's pathetic. I know it doesn't make any sense. I know the superficial doesn't matter. But at the same time my brain keeps telling me that "inner beauty" is a lie.

He says he thinks I'm pretty. He says he likes my body and my smile and my eyes.

I just want to drop the weight so bad. I need to show that I am stronger than that. I am above the physical needs of normal people. I am ascetic. Pure. Clean.

I can't explain it. I've been hurt enough by enough guys in my life. I want to not rely on them anymore. I want a heart of stone. I want a heart of bone. And a body of steel. A tenacious mind. Lose enough weight, and I can deal with anything. I can separate myself from these frivolous human emotions.

I need to become more.

I need to get my act together.

But I know if I lose too much weight, he will leave. I don't know what I value more.

How close to death can I bring myself? How close to that perfection? That limbo between living and merely being. Body in the shadows and mind in the clouds.

I'm so lost.