The Triggered Fiasco

Ok, so basically this is what has triggered me so badly over the past couple of weeks (aside from the fact that I always feel fat and that I've been bleeding for two weeks straight and in a lot of pain.) SO I did the dumbest thing a girl could do and looked up my boyfriend's ex girlfriend on Facebook. I just wanted to see some pictures to see how pretty/skinny she was. He had said I'm skinnier than her and that on the prettiness scale, I rank higher, but I just wanted to see for myself. I downloaded some pictures of her to my thinspo file on my computer (I know, bad idea).

Now please, no judgement on this part. I would've done the exact same thing if it were anyone else. I wasn't going to read any of her posts, I was just going to leave it there and be done with it. But I noticed her top post and it seemed very familiar. I looked back and read her past couple of months. It was like I was reliving my experiences with chronic ilness. "In pain" "Trip to the ER" "Surgery". I knew it was gynecological. I was very angry that should would share something so private under her real name online. And she talked about "Being strong. Lord Please give me strength." and other bullshit like that. Like she was just looking for sympathy. "Everyone, look how horrible my life is." And people were taking the bait!

I watched her progress (stalked her) over the next few weeks. Turns out docs said she had endo, but it was very small and unlikely to come back. I was angry. It was like reliving high school (except, my case is much more severe and will never go away). I blocked her page because I felt it was triggering me and was poisonous. But then I wanted to see her feed again and couldn't get to it, so I googled her name. I found a page for a sports thing that said her height was 5'7" and weight was 125.

Triggered!!!!!!!!!!!

She did not look 125! It was from her freshman year, and now she's a senior (she was 2 years younger than him when my BF dated her) so she's probably gained, but it was still a huge trigger. Now I'm still trying to get over it. I feel like I need to complete against her for some reason. "How much lower than her can I get?"

Trying to forget about it. It's not letting me.