Your Homework: Hug Someone

Things aren't going to well. I binged and purged again last night. I know I've gained weight. I just want to lose it again so badly it hurts. I cut again. I went to my therapist yesterday and she started talking about plans on what I should do if I want to commit suicide and she questioned me about my intentions and anything like that. She proposed sending me to inpatient. I would be very against that. I would have to be VERY bad before I left school, my scholarship, and my boyfriend to go to inpatient. Because I would lose all of those things. My boyfriend would break up with me and I would be living in my parent's basement until I was 30. I HAVE to stay in school, it's simply not an option to quit.

She then suggested me seeing her more than once a week. I've been mulling that one over in my head.

I just don't want to say the wrong thing and have them send me to a mental hospital. On the other hand, I want to be completely honest and get the help that I need. I don't WANT to die, I just want the shit to stop. I'm tired of shit.

I guess I can't get away from the Endometriosis. I'm stage 3 out of 4. It's pretty common to be stage 1, and generally people don't have too much trouble at stage 1. I used to be stage 1 and it was nice. How sad is that. I'm yearning for a time when I only had stage 1 of a disease instead of stage 3.

I don't even know how I would do it if I were to try to commit suicide. I mean, I've made 2 attempts in the past, but in both I didn't know what I was doing and it was really rather pathetic. I figure the only surefire way is to get a gun, but I have no idea how to go about that. So I guess I'm sticking around for a while.

The body's a funny thing. It likes to live. It wants to live. And it's good at staying alive. You try and starve it, and it just lowers your metabolism so you don't lose weight. You try to poison it and it makes you throw up. You try to freeze it to death and you just end up really cold and wet.

I've thought about running into a concrete barrier on the highway, but that sounds like a surefire way to end up paralyzed or in a body cast.

So I guess I'm sticking around for a while. Like I said, I just want the shit to stop. And there's so much shit right now and there has been so much shit for the past seven years and I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

I didn't go to any of my classes yesterday. I just sat at home in my PJs.

Sorry this isn't a more positive update. I know I try and do my best to stay positive. But it's not all unicorns and daffodils guys. Recovery is hard.

Hug someone in recovery today.