Consumed

So much jealousy. So much hatred. Jealousy of others. Hatred of myself and my shortcomings and my body and my lack of self control.

I don't understand. Other girls are so beautiful and smiling and thin and have beautiful hair and are told about how pretty they are on their pictures on facebook that show off their eyes and their smiles. Why can't I have that?

On the other hand, I am both underweight and underfat. Why can't I believe I'm thin. The other day I was singing "A Little Fall of Rain" form Les Miserables and my boyfriend commented on how pretty my singing was and then asked me to turn and look at him so he could see my pretty face. He calls me sexy and says he likes my body. Why can't I believe him?

I torment myself for hours looking online at pictures of both girls I know and girls I don't. I look at their hair and bodies and use it to punish myself and convince myself of how fat and ugly I am. I wear baggy clothes that hide my fat. I blow off compliments and refuse to accept or believe them.

And the only solution I can come up with is to lose weight.

When I lose weight, I feel better. The chatter inside my head clears and I can think and be happy. I don't obsess. I am able to wear clothes that I feel are more attractive and I take the time to try and make my hair pretty.

I can't pass a mirror or a window without body checking. I can't sit down without trying to cover up my thighs because the fat squishes out more when I sit down. I can have my stomach show. I move my head to try and make sure I don't have a double chin.

And I'm overcome with jealousy of my boyfriend's ex. It's creepy how I stalk her online. I even went to the JC Penny's once where she works in hopes of seeing her so I could get an idea of how thin she really is. I drove by her house in hopes that maybe she would be outside.

I'm a monster. And I hate myself. Can you "find the [woman] behind the monster? This repulsive carcass who seems a beast but secretly dreams of beauty."

And the real me has been lost. Cori is dead. Cori lives here no longer.