The Absence of Matter

Let me clarify something once and for all for the world. Anorexia, Bulemia, EDNOS, whatever it is, it's NOT ABOUT BEING SKINNY.

That's right. It's not about being thinner or prettier or more attractive. A friend once told me "Thinner does not equal prettier" in an attempt to enlighten me with this (what he thought would be) new piece of information so that I would suddenly go "Oh! I get it now! Ok, I'll quit my disorder." This unfortunately did not happen and I answered back with "yes, thinner is not prettier. But it is better."

But Cori! You guys all think. Why then is there such an obsession with weight loss?

That's true. There is a huge obsession with the number on the scale and how we feel the number manifests itself on our bodies visually (AKA my stomach is fat). But that does not mean we are striving to be "aesthetically pleasing."

On the contrary, some do it to make themselves less attractive and woman-like (I am only slightly in this category, but for different reasons than those I am about to address. But these reasons are worth mentioning as they encompass a large percent of the eating disorder population, particularly anorexia). The stats are unclear, but it is plain that anywhere from 1/2 to 2/3 of eating disorder sufferers have been sexually abused or assaulted. Often times, these individuals want to remove their "womanly qualities" (boobs, butt, hips, periods, etc...) to somehow try and erase that event.

For me, there is still some aspect of trying to become "less woman" but it has more to do with distancing myself from my Endometriosis and alleviating the pain than becoming less attractive.

Well, mostly. There is also the fact that I have no boobs, never have had boobs, wear sports bras to squish down my boobs, and want to make the fact that I have no boobs somehow be in my control (low body fat percentage). I kid you not, Cori's boobs are a running joke with the guys all over campus.

You have to understand, I don't hang out with many girls. I find girls to be catty and full of drama and ain't nobody got time for that. So I have been the "honorary bro" in my groups of friends since junior high. Guys talk about masterbation, girls, and basketball around me. They say I am cool with anything, don't act like a girl, and am basically one of the guys. All these things are coming from the mouths of my fellow bros.

My boyfriend says I'm the best kind of girlfriend because I'm a bro with boobs (even if he sometimes has to go looking for them) and a vagina.

Anyway, the boob jokes are get kinda old. I don't know how many times I've heard come from a guy's mouth "my boobs are bigger than yours."

Thanks for making me feel secure in my already insecure womanhood.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

So, we have addressed the "being less womanly". Now I want to address the "absence of matter". I know, an abstract concept, but bear with me here.

Often it is about disappearing from this physical world and becoming metaphorically invisible. Beating the laws of matter and physics, if you will. Becoming less in the body and, thus, more in the mind and spirit. Anorexia becomes your religion where the physical needs of the body are seen as dirty and imperfect and where we strive to become more than the physical needs that everyone tells us are necissary. To become, in a sense, a perfect soul, merely existing in the universe. Becoming a higher being and testing your limits against this crude physical realm.

Not becoming "skinny", but becoming the "absence of matter".

Now, I'm not saying that when I was in the throes of my eating disorder, I sat around thinking "I am doing this because I want to reject this earthly body and become a perfect soul". That's ridiculous. What was going through my head was "I'm fat." Plain and simple. But now that I look back, that is an explanation of some of the subconscious motivations for what was going on.

Hindsight is 20/20.

Ok. This was a long post. I need coffee.