ED Homerun

Yesterday at dinner, I grabbed my normal salad and was getting ready to go sit with my boyfriend and 2 friends. Then I saw the soup. It was red pepper bisque. I love red pepper bisque. I tried to tell myself that it was dining hall soup and probably would be no good, but then I let myself give it a try. I dished up a bowl and went to sit down.

And it was good. It has been getting cold and the soup was warm and savory and I was able to thoroughly enjoy it.

So the two friends left and I began telling my boyfriend that I was still hungry and was thinking about going and getting some more soup. He of course encouraged me to do it, and so I did. It felt fairly normal. And I didn't beat myself up too bad. I enjoyed the soup, still felt hungry, and let myself have a little more.

Heather 1. ED 0.

There was also a victory earlier this weekend when I went to Panera with a girlfriend. My dad is super paranoid about my ED (he calls it my erectile dysfunction) and is always buying me food related stuff. He had sent me an E-gift card and I decided to share it with a friend. So we drove up to Joplin and talked the whole way, which was great.

Then the food came. I had ordered the mushroom truffle soup and she had gotten potato. And they both came with pieces of white bread.

I guess I knew this was coming, I should've expected it. I admitted to her that I was nervous and that this was a stretch for me (she is one of the few friends who knows about my "issues"). She just said that was fine and she was proud of me and was super supportive.

Understand, I have an intense fear of anything white. White sugar, white bread, white vegetables, etc... And if it's white bread, pasta, rice, crackers, whatever, I generally won't touch it.

But I ate my soup, slowly but surely, and I dipped my bread in my soup.

Heather 2. ED 0.

Then we got to last night. After dinner and the soup I went to the gym. My normal machine was taken and my backup machine was out of order, so I was a little at a loss for what to do. But I flitted around and ended up on the bikes. Not my favorite machine, my heart rate never gets up as high, but I guess its better than nothing. Then, afterwards I got the bright idea to weigh myself.

Big mistake.

I knew I had gained weight because I'd been working very hard on, well, gaining weight. My mom threatened that if I didn't gain some, they would send me back to my old dietitian who is an absolute Nazi, if a nice lady.

But seeing the number somehow made it real. And I freaked out.

I wanted to binge. I wanted to purge. I wanted to work out. I wanted to cut cut cut cut cut cut cut. And it hurt to think. I wanted to stop thinking.

Luckily my boyfriend was at my apartment when i got back. He asked what was wrong and I wishy washied around for a little while. He tried to start making out and I pushed him away saying I just wasn't in the mood. I asked him if he would leave. 10 minutes later I asked him to stay and cuddle. He was of course very confused, so I confessed to him my struggle and we talked it through a little. I started talking about making the thinking stop. He said he didn't know how to do that. I said I did. He asked if I was serious. I don't know.

ED homerun.