"This House No Longer Feels Like Home"

My boyfriend and I fought last night. He became very angry and said he needed to go home and that he'd see me tomorrow.

It all started when I decided to go to Campus Christian with him (a group that meets on Thursday nights and worships and listens to a sermon). I had had a bad day of 3 hours of exercise and a binge, and I was trying hard not to purge. I just felt really empty and it seemed like a good idea.

I don't know if I've talked about my relationship with God before, but basically, it's not good. I've been rather pissed off at him for almost 3 years now and I feel very abandoned. I have literally begged him to come and help me when I'm feeling sick or low. I don't necessarily need him to fix anything, I just want to know that he's there. But I feel nothing. So I've come to the conclusion that he's a sadistic bastard and as of now I'm rather indifferent.

That's really not true, that's just what I tell myself to make myself feel better.

So we were standing next to another friend and she asked if she could pray for me. Well I started crying. I ran outside as soon as it was over so no one would see me. My boyfriend followed me and hugged me and we went back to my place to talk.

Now my boyfriend is from a strong christian background. His parents are missionaries and he grew up in Singapore and didn't even move to America until high school. His parents now work in marketing for a company that translates bibles.

So we were talking and I got angry. I told him exactly what I thought of God. I said that if hell is eternal pain and torment, I'm already there. He slowly moved away and sat on the floor. I asked what was wrong, he wouldn't say anything. I said I was sorry and that I was just angry at God and didn't know what to do. I agreed to talk to the Campus Christians minister if that would make him feel better.

He finally said that I had made him angry. That I had been blessed with a good family and a smart head and all the resources I could need and that I only saw the negative. That everyone has problems and while mine very well may be a little more extreme, it still does not mean I'm in hell. And that I talk about "his God" like... and that he needed to go home before he said or did anything stupid and would see me tomorrow.

I asked him to stay. I said I was sorry. He asked to make sure I wasn't going to do anything stupid and then left.

I'm so angry at myself.

I feel like my body isn't my own. That I am living separate from it and looking at it with disgust. Disgust at how it looks. Disgust at the words that come out of it's mouth. And the hate that fills it. I'm not me anymore. This isn't who I am.  I used to be so bright and sunny and everyone wanted to be around me because I brought light to everyone's day.

"Now I feel so cold."