I think I met passion the other night. For the first time. I think I was able to be with my boyfriend and make him happy while simultaneously letting myself enjoy it and not worry about what he was thinking about my body. I let myself be totally naked and truly believe he liked my body. And I let myself enjoy the pleasure he was giving me. After all, pleasure's a natural thing, right? It's not something we should be scared of.
And because of this, I think we both had the best time in bed we've ever had.
Before, I always just made my performance how i felt he would enjoy it. Made noises at the right moments touched the right spots at the right times. In the words of Adam Lambert, "I'm here for your entertainment". Everything was focused on making him happy, but not ever truly enjoying for myself.
Why do we believe we should be ascetics and run from our bodies and our sexuality? Why are we afraid to experience those intense feelings? Why do we believe it to be wrong? Yes it's raw, and it's vulnerable, and it's open, but that's why you experience it with someone you trust implicitly.
I know I've always been the naive one. I'm the innocent one. In my group of friends, I've always been the least "worldly" and the most "pure". I don't know if this is because of how I was raised or because of my views of the world and of society and humanity, I don't know. But I always thought of pleasure like food; as a dirty and impure thing that is wrong to touch and that will soil your inner goodness. We should keep our souls clean and our hearts unmarked.
And by all means, guard your heart, because there are bad people out there who will try to take it away from you. Trust me, I know. I have been in abusive manipulative situations before and it is not a pretty sight. My heart has been scarred and, maybe, has even knitted together in a crooked and knotted way. Isn't that the case with all of us? Everyone has scars.
But I've found a man I love and who loves me back. And I trust my Casey. And last night was the most pure and innocent I've ever felt.
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