I really have mixed feelings about his subject, especially when it comes to my boyfriend. There are times when he totally takes control out of my hands and does what he thinks is best. For example, he has picked me up, thrown me over his shoulder, and carted me wherever he feels I need to be. My parents have given him full permission to take me to the ER or Psych ER without my consent. He has stayed with me when I have told him to leave. Isn't this a breach of autonomy and privacy?
On the other hand, any time he has gone against my wishes, it was when I wasn't in my right mind and I was glad he did so afterwards. I have had to tell him many times that I am sorry for something i said and that it was the ED talking when i told him to leave. The ED wanted me to binge, purge, exercise, or cut. When I asked him to stay 10 minutes later, it was Cori telling ED to shut up.
While it is very annoying to have autonomy be breached, I cannot argue that it isn't sometimes necessary. However, I think only a few people should have that right. my boyfriend for example, and my parents. Maybe my sister or best friend/best friend's mom (who is like my second mom). Anything more than that, and I think that even afterwards I would feel incredibly violated. And only when I'm a danger to myself or others.
For example, the other day my mom threatened to send me back to the dietitian. Let me clarify that I am not in medical danger. I am 19 and fully capable of making my own decisions. This is not her right. If I feel I need to go back to my old dietitian (I quit my most recent one) then I will do so. It is not her decision to make. My recovery has thus far been in my hands and if I have my way, it will stay as such.
The whole fiasco with the docs forcing me onto antidepressants was their legal obligation and I have no hard feelings about that. In fact, i am glad for the antidepressants and for the anti anxiety meds. I can tell when I miss a day that my mood takes a nosedive, and I know they are helping.
A few weeks ago (or less, I'm not sure) I went on a sort of "med rebellion" and I stopped taking everything except for my birth control and thyroid, which I know I absolutely need. The lack of the Lexapro and Lorazapam definitely did a number on my mood and on how that week went. I know now that they are in fact necessary, as much as I hate to admit it. I even got a refill on the Loraz. I went in over break to get more (because it's a controlled substance, I have to go in in person and show ID) and the doc said that's all they can give me until the end of the month. But I think it will last ok. The bad anxiety attacks aren't too often. I had a bad one the other day and was so wired that I took 2 doses and it still didn't knock me out. But that is out of the ordinary.
I also stopped my antibiotics and steroids a few days early. Now I am sick again. Shame on me. It's my own dumb fault.
Going back into the doc before Christmas (also getting blood drawn) and after Christmas to hopefully renew my Lexapro script and get more Loraz. Hoping to get in another time to talk about the migraines, which are becoming more and more frequent. Endocrinologist appointment coming up as well, and also a check in with the OB/Gyn. Busy Christmas break coming up.
As far as what I will be doing for counseling over break, every week I will make the drive from KC to Joplin to see my counselor, as long as weather permits. I know it's a 2.5 hour drive, but I actually really enjoy driving and am looking forward to the weekly drive. Driving gives me time to think and listen to music and chill out by myself. Be alone in a place where no one can interrupt. Crank up the music and rock out and fully believe that no one can see you, even though you logically know they can =) Maybe that's how we should live life. Act however you want, even though you know people can see. Dance like no one is watching people =) Love like you've never been hurt.
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