Last Night

So, it came down to it last night. It was 3:00 AM and I had a major anxiety attack. I got out of bed to get my bottle of Loraz. but woke my boyfriend up in the process. He asked what I was doing.

I wanted so badly to take the whole bottle. Just not think anymore. My boyfriend jumped up and grabbed it out of my hands (not without some fight on my part) and we argued for a little bit. Finally I decided I couldn't do that to him on his watch, and I went back to lay down. About 3 episodes of Dr. Who later, I think I fell asleep.

He drank coffee and stayed up the rest of the night to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. He said it was the most freaked out he's ever been.

I don't want to hurt people. But I feel so fat. And I'd rather be dead than fat. I'd rather be dead than average. I'd even rather be dead than moderately skinny. And right now I'm moderately skinny.

I've been having lots of trouble with binges and am starting to put on weight. Either I stop this, or this stops me.

I'm tired. I've been going at this for months now, and I know there are years ahead of me. And I'm already tired and frustrated with my lack of progress, or with my slow progress, or with my regression. I don't honestly know which.

My sister, my mom, my best friend. It would break all of their hearts. But my enemy knows me well and knows exactly what will make me tick.

On a side note, I have my A's from finals week and am getting ready to go home for winter break. 5 tests, but they all went ok. Next semester is a fun conglomeration of classes stretching from Physiology 1 to Abnormal Psychology to Positive Psychology. I'll try and post it soon on Google+ so you guys can see if you want. Maybe next semester is something I can try and concentrate on looking forward to. 18 hours, so happy medium between 15 (this semester) and 21 (my first two semesters).

 Changed my battery in my car and am now getting ready to get checked out of my apartment so I can go home. It's freezing rain outside, so it should be a fun drive back to KC.

Be safe guys. Love each other.