Straight Talk

Is it too much to ask to be REALLY drunk right now? Or high? Or something? To just not think anymore? I don't want to think. Or feel.

I had a shouting match with my best friend's mom (she's like my second mom since we've been BFs since 3rd grade) which made my best friend cry (and my best friend NEVER cries). Big binge afterwards. Feeling so shitty. This HAS to stop. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so scared. I don't know what will happen if this recovery thing doesn't pan out. I've been doing this for 7 months now, and I have made progress, but it's not where I would have projected I would be at the 7 month mark. I need to either quit or work harder.

Is that black and white thinking?

Ugh! I feel like such a failure at this! Why can't I just succeed and make the people around me proud?

"Go to recovery" they said. "It'll be fun" they said.

More like go to recovery and it'll get worse.

I kid you not. At least when you're with ED, there is always a very clear course of action, but when you're in recovery, you can't win. If you eat, you feel fat, and like a failure. If you don't eat, you feel like a disappointment.

Not trying to scare any of you away here, but I'm just giving it to you straight.

My machine at the gym was taken and my backup machine was out of order.

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck,

I just want to stop hiding! I don't want to hide anymore! I don't want to be anonymous! I mean, I don't want to post an announcement in the student center or at my next family reunion or anything, but I just don't want to constantly be pulling the stealth ninja thing with the people around me. The people I care about. Secrets have power.

Why did I binge?

I don't know.

Shit.

My stomach feels like it's sticking out so badly right now.

My boyfriend is on his way. I hope he gets here soon. My hands are numb from being clenched, trying to not do anything stupid.