Suicidal Ideation

I noticed I could see my hipbones sticking out very clearly today when I woke up. My ribs on the front and back. The proximal head of my clavicle and my acromion process. So I decided to check what I probably should've stayed away from, but didn't: the ribs on my chest and my sternum. And they were clearly visible.

On one hand, ED began to tell me what I good job I was doing and how I should keep going. How I should push further and further and how bones are good and I shouldn't care what is or isn't healthy, or what my family and friends think. How I can just stay with ED all day every day and he'll take care of me.

On the other hand, ED lies.

I've been absentmindedly running my hands along my bones all day. I've had two workouts at two hours each. I've had 6 cups of coffee and minimal lunch and dinner.

And it's almost a high.

But ED lies.

So I went further with the things I should'nt have done and got out the scale and the tape measure. Bad idea.

Time to get myself back on track.

*     *     *

One bag of frosted animal crackers and one trip to the bathroom to throw them up later, I'm feeling like complete and total shit. I don't understand why I can't just eat normally. People who don't struggle with EDs can't come close to understanding. It's so frustrating, and it's spawning bad thoughts in my head.

Let me start at the beginning. I love my boyfriend. I think he's amazing and I'm so blessed to have him. But sometimes I'll go to him looking for support and talking about something ED related and he'll just get frustrated. I understand  he gets tired of it and he just wants it to be fixed, but that still doesn't help when I go to him saying "I've gained weight" and am looking for a hug and he simply says "good" and moves on. Or when I say "I'm hungry but I don't know what to do" and he says in an exasperated manner "well, maybe if you'd EAT". I know it gets tiring, I live with it 24/7! I'm tired of it to! But it's 95% of what goes on in my head, and I don't know how to change that. I'm trying. I'm working so hard. I just don't know what else to do.

So I go to other guys. And I think about things like cheating. On my wonderful boyfriend that I love and that loves me and that I don't even deserve.

There it is. Confession time guys. I'm tempted to go back to the old life where I just spent the night with guys that pissed in my face and told me it was rain.

I have this deep need for acceptance inside. I'm terrified of being abandoned. And I have daddy problems. There, I said it. I have major guy and daddy problems.

I don't even like various sexual activities. I dread them most of the time. They're something that must be done to keep guys happy.

I'm walking the line here.

I need to talk. I need to talk so badly. And I need a good guy who is able to listen and talk. I love my boyfriend, don't get me wrong, he's great. But he's just not what I need right now. He's a stressor right now. I just want to talk.

There's this thing about guys. They don't like talking. And I feel bad asking them to talk.

Suicidal ideation has become a part of my daily life again.