How We Help Others

Last night my boyfriend and I were talking and he began to confess worries that he hadn't told anyone. Questions about God. Doubts about life and Hell. Anger and frustration. For about two hours we talked it out. Afterwards he said that, even though I didn't have answers for him, he felt much better.

I sometimes talk to a friend who is getting ready to be deployed (or he may be already deployed, I don't know. He can't tell us.) and help him work some of his shit out. Provide a new perspective. A new set of eyes. Maybe some fresh information. Give him a listening ear.

On the Hello Life Support Group I've messaged with some of the girls while they struggled with cutting and drugs and suicidal thoughts. I've helped them work through the dark hours of the night.

I often feel guilty with how much I rely on people for support, especially my boyfriend. I lean on him so much, and I sometimes feel very afraid that he will get sick of it and leave me. Last night I realized that I help others just as they help me. I also give support. I also give insight and a shoulder to cry on.

Just two days ago, I talked to an endo sister about her drug and alcohol addiction and struggles with depression and suicide because of her endo.

During a movie night with a friend, he talked to me about his fears with his father passing away and his relationship issues.

Could it be possible that I'm not a burden? That I do make positive contribution to this world? I've never allowed myself to entertain the idea before.

But I do have to admit to myself that I've helped my boyfriend through the darkest part of his life, just by letting him help me. I've allowed him to move on. And last night when he said "please don't ever go away" I was struck by the weight of it.

If I'm so eager to give help, why am I so hesitant to receive it?

A friend phrased it very well. He said that I give and give and give all the light and sunshine in me to others, but then all that's left for me is a dark gaping pit inside my heart. I give away all my neon, and all that's left is the black. I don't want the black in me to burden people or drive them away.

But will it? Surely we were put on this earth to help EACH OTHER. Wasn't it meant to be a two way valve?

I don't know.