Sweet Nothing In My Ear

Yesterday was a rough one. Fasted the whole day, walked (insert large number here) miles and did cardio intervals until I literally threw up (what little was left in my stomach plus stomach acid).

And I was proud of myself.

Really. As I leaned my head up from over the toilet I felt Ed pat me on the back. Good job, Cori, he said. Well done. That's how it should be. That was control. That was pushing yourself despite discomfort. That was strength. 

I looked up and saw my mom just standing at the bathroom door looking at me. She asked how much I had eaten.

I went and finished the last 3 intervals in my workout.

Went to the movies with my dad. Took down the tree with my mom while we watched the new episode of Downton Abbey. Mind quiet; I relished in the sound of sweet nothing in my ear. Nose stuck up and chest puffed out with pride.

And yet, as I think back on it, what was the point of it all? What have I gained? Bloodshot eyes? A burning throat? A dizzy head?

Just that pat on the back and those words of affirmation from a person who doesn't even exist.

Peace? What is it worth?