So the saga continues. I was in a very bad spot and (of course) I went to my boyfriend and told him I was suicidal and please would he spend the weekend with me. He had previously said he was planning on spending the weekend just for his own alone time and I was going to go home for the weekend (which I ended up not doing because of the ice. Went even further to Manhattan instead, which makes no sense...).
He said he didn't think it was too much to ask for some alone time now and then.
And he's right! I'm a complete ass to ask for his support 24/7. What he was asking was totally reasonable. But for some reason, I felt like he should be more worried if I'm saying I feel suicidal. (Note: I did say I wasn't going to do it because that would be stupid (even though I do have a history of attempts) but I did say I was in a very bad spot).
The borderline in me was screaming DON'T LEAVE ME! DON'T YOU CARE?!?!
And I was afraid he didn't love me.
I now know looking back that he has been trying to help me learn to stand on my own two feet without using him as a crutch and that he does love me. He sent me periodic messages making sure I was ok and somewhere safe and saying he'll see me Monday.
But it was a heart explosion moment. Fear. So much fear.
On one hand I feel like fear is perfectly normal and ok. On the other hand, it makes me think of something Yoda said:
"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."
And while I normally don't rely on Star Wars as a source of philosophy, Yoda really does have a point here, and it makes me squeamish.
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