A New Week Starting

So I thought I'd give you guys a bit of an update on how I was doing that wasn't a picture, video, or therapeutic piece of grieving literature. Basically, things are rough, but I'm managing to stay on track. I haven't cut, binged, purged, overexercised, or restricted all through this week, so that shows a positive application of the coping skills I've learned.

I miss Josh very badly, obviously, and have been struggling to attend all my classes this week. Some friends are worried, but I plan on getting right back on track next week. I had two tests on Friday that I successfully navigated, and I managed not to miss any homework assignments. I've just done a lot of walking and writing and going out into nature and introspection.

This may sound really weird, but I still message him on Facebook. I mean, I know he's dead, but I still send him messages every once in a while asking him where he is. Why he left. I almost feel like I'm expecting an answer, but like I said, I do KNOW cognitively that he is dead and will not answer.

They flew the flags at half mast for him on Friday. Found out it was a "non-combat related incident" that happened on the airfield, and that's all they're saying. What the fuck does that even mean? So much anger.

Aside from Josh, I had a wonderful Valentines Day that my boyfriend set up. He took me up to the top of one of the buildings and we watched the sun set and talked and ate pizza that he had made in the shape of a heart. I ate pizza. This is why I entered recovery. So I could sit with my boyfriend and eat pizza like a normal person because he had made it in the shape of a heart.

This weekend I was supposed to go to Mantivities with him and his buddies, which includes urban exploring, parkour, hiking, spelunking, and rapelling. LOTS OF FUN!!!!! But my endo has flared up and I"m home sick. I'm getting fucking sick of this.

I bled when I was on the active pill earlier this week. Now I'm on the nonactive pill and I'm not bleeding. But the pain has been excruciating at times. When I was having V-Day with Casey, my hands and legs were shaking because it had been so tense all day. It comes and goes, and I never know when it will hit. The middle of class. Suck it up. If you need to duck into the bathroom and throw up, do whatcha gotta do.

But the positive part of the situation is that I have a friend in Saint Louis and I've gotten to spend a lot of internet time with him. We play games and stay up late talking. It's perfect because it keeps me from getting lonely and it allows me to stay home and be in bed with the pain killers and heating pad and anti anxieties.

And like I said, behaviorally, I've managed to stay on the straight and narrow throughout this week, so I suppose that's a positive. Here's to a new week starting.