This is something that has completely been my saving grace time and time again and something that I encourage you all to try if you are struggling. Whenever I get very angry or mad or sad, what I like to do is go for a drive. I drive out into the middle of nowhere (I can get out of town in 5 minutes. I like to think I'm an hour away to be officially in "the middle of nowhere") pull off onto some gravel road that I find, park, and go wandering into the woods.
And I take a walk.
It gets me to a "safe place" (somewhere where I can't binge or overexercise or cut or overdose) and somehow getting out and breathing the air and listening to the birds always helps. Even when it's cold.
Last night I drove out and parked and lay on the hood of my car and looked up at the stars. I did that for maybe an hour. Just breathing and looking at the stars.
Well, not JUST. I yelled at God a little.
It's funny. Even though God and I aren't on the best of terms, sometimes when I'm struggling or if I'm in a lot of pain I repeat phrases to myself. Like "every scar one day will heal, every tear one day will dry." "We will overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony." "I will remain confident in this: I will see the goodness of the lord." But in the end, I am still angry. "The Lord will not give you trials beyond what you can bear." Well, God must think I'm Eleanor Roosevelt or something.
I asked him why he killed Josh. What good it did. I asked him to give me another chance, just one more chance to tell Josh about God. Even though I think God is a sadistic bastard, I still encourage others to continue in their faith. I encourage my boyfriend and my sister. Is Josh in hell because I didn't say anything? God, you didn't have to kill him.
Anyway, I didn't want to talk about Josh today, but I guess he just came up. That makes me sad.
So yeah. Nature. Do that shit.
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