Did something big yesterday. Dropped my Exercise Physiology Major to a Minor. It feels like I've given away part of who I am. I mean, I guess I'm still studying Ex Phys, but still. This is what I've thought I was going to be doing for the past 7 or 8 years. It's part of who I am. It's part of me.
I don't know what's waiting ahead of me once I let that go. I don't know who I am without the Exercise Physiology. I've always been the fit one, the one who worked out.
Played tennis with Casey yesterday and absolutely SUCKED! I kept trying to hold onto me and who I was. Being a perfectionist. Being good at something. Impressing him even. I was so tense. Finally we just took a walk and talked. He talked about his own journey of becoming who he was (even though he didn't quite know who that really is) and acknowledging lies he tells himself.
We should play again on Friday. I have to give it another try.
I mean, life is fun, right? It's not worth it to try to be perfect at every physical activity I try my hand at. I realized yesterday that when I set myself physical goals, be it weight loss or being good at tennis or ultimate frisbee or whatever, I really go all out and put my worth on the line. If I control my eating and exercise that day, I am worthy of love. If not, I am not worthy. The next day the goal may be the same, it may be different.
If I am better than Casey's ex at tennis, I am worthy of love.
If I fail, she is better than me.
In what sick world is this actually a thing? Well, mine apparently. But you see what I'm saying. It's a lie I tell myself. It's a lie that I am no-one without the Exercise Physiology. At the same time, I believe it. I know that Casey loves me at 140, but I also truly believe I need to be 120 or 110 to receive of his love. Even though the two statements are mutually exclusive! If they are both lies to myself, than what is true?
I am nothing without the Ex Phys, but also Psychology and living in the moment and love and kindness are who I am at the core. 2 mutually exclusive statements. Both truths, both lies.
So I try to analyze that further. Maybe it's because ED is behind the wheel with one statement and Cori with the other. So I know I've been told that ED's a lie, but now Cori is? So who am I? I'm Me? Who is Me if not Cori?
Maybe we can rename Cori. Maybe it's a lie because Cori isn't Me. Maybe Cori is Mrs. Perfection masquerading under the alias of Cori. I'm someone totally different and Mrs. Perfection is trying to take control of my "new life" to keep me under my own thumb.
Did that make any sense to anyone? I think I lost myself somewhere in there.
I guess I'm not TOTALLY saying goodbye to Ex Phys. It's still my minor.
Identity crisis much?
Okay.. so here is my philosophy on this subject (you can totally ignore this if it doesn't work for you btw!) I am not a 100% fan of ED/Person separation. So what I think about this is: there IS no ED vs Cori. Because you, Cori, have/had an eating disorder, it changed you at your core level. Like any experience does. Meeting someone, losing someone, having cancer, diabetes, depression. ALL our experiences change us. We learn. We grow. If a tree grows down and there's a huge rock in the ground 5 feet deep, the roots grow around it. They change. So your ED is like that rock. You with me so far?
ReplyDeleteYou can't go back to the Cori you were before you had an ED because that isn't possible. I don't mean it is impossible to get PAST the ED either.. it is, as you are actively proving. ED and/or Cori is not a lie. Things are not black and white anymore. YOU are different now. You can't unsee the things you've seen, unthink the things you've thought, unbelieve the things you've believed. You can't do that any more than you can get younger!
It makes perfect sense that dropping your major to a minor would freak you out, particularly the ED part of you (if you want to separate it, then "particularly your ED.") That was part of your identity with that. Sure, you're not saying goodbye to it forever, but... having an eating disorder causes us to tend to grab onto things in a permanent fashion, so when they turn out not to be what you thought, it's very scary and disconcerting.
Is any of this even making sense??? <3
Yeah, it actually makes total sense. I like the tree roots and the rock metaphore. You're right I think, that our experiences change how we go through life and that it all kinda merges into gray. I've never thought of thinking of it in terms other than black and white before!
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