My Scruffball

Exactly one week until I get to see this scruffball, and I'm so excited. I find myself already planning this and that for when he comes. I know we are going to the WW1 museum, A: because its awesome, B: because it's the only WW1 museum in the country, and C: because hey, its a WW1 museum and Casey will love it because boys like guns (yes, I am aware that I just made a gross generalization, but in this case it happens to be true).

Laying down after we failed so hard at flying the kite.
Hey, the wind was wonky that day. Give us a break.

And we have to do Shawnee Mission Park (maybe biking?) because hey, its Shawnee Mission Park and absolutely gorgeous! Lenexa Lake is a must too though, I need to take him to the dam and to the hiking trail on the other side of the lake.

He'll only be here for a couple of days, so I guess its all about how much can we cram in before he has to leave. Ideally he'd meet Ashby and Mike and Ryan as well, but I'm really not sure if that will actually happen. Maybe just meet Ashby.

He says he doesn't care what we do and that I can plan whatever I want and he's ok with it as long as he's with me (awwwwww shucks). But I still want to do stuff that I know he'll enjoy. We can't just sit around and watch movies all day!

I definately need to try and get the 7th and 8th off work though, so I'll probably be putting in extra hours this week and early next week so that I can convince my boss to let me not come in those mornings. She'll understand though, she loves me. If anyone has any fun summer date ideas, I'm open for suggestions! You can private message me or comment below.

Scope and PT Appointments

Gonna have to make a long story short here because I have to go to work soon. Basically this is the update on how the neuromuscular therapist appointment and the scope went from yesterday.

Basically, any of you who know anything about colonoscopys know about the infamous "prep". Basically you drink a gallon of this high powered laxative and then you shit until you're shitting water. The idea is to clear your colon so that the scope people can do their thing.

Well, I drank my liquid (or as much as I could until I was going to throw up) and waited...and waited... and nothing was happening, except that I got very bloated and uncomfortable. I ended up looking like I had a baby bump, my tummy was so distended. And it hurt so bad. 14 hours after drinking the liquid, at 5:30 yesterday morning, I rolled out of bed and my mom took me to KU Med. We had no idea what had gone wrong and I was feeling VERY sick. Never did go number 2.

Well, they did some work with a saline solution through an IV to make me pee and did a pee test and some other work. Finally the bloating had gone down and the doc decided to try and go through with the test. They put me all the way under (the last thing I remember is watching the anesthesiologist assistant put a clear liquid and then a milky liquid into my IV).

After I woke up, they said that I didn't number 2 because there was no poo in my colon to begin with! So they were able to successfully do the scope and found nothing wrong with my intestines or GI tract. (YAY!) My heart rate had dropped down to about 45 and my blood pressure was something like 90/50, so they basically chocked that and the fact that I had no poop up to ED (hey, they were the ones who told me to liquid fast!) and had me eat something and then sent me home.

Needless to say, so relieved that that is all over and done with. No more colonoscopy for the forseeable future. Thank god!

Then the PT appointment. I really liked her, she looked at my hips and back and legs and said that they are really nice and balanced and healthy and flexible, so the problem is just the tension in my pelvic floor muscles. I go back twice a week for the next two weeks and we work on some stretches, some dilation, some pressure point stuff, and some biofeedback work with an ECG.

So yeah! Appointment with the doc on Thursday. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Disney Short

Well, I've made it to the days where I'm only allowed clear liquids. Kinda relieved really. All this will be over soon. Has been such a triggering situation. So yeah, coffee and some lemonade for breakfast this morning. I'm having some of the master cleanse lemonade with honey and cayenne because I'm terrified of my metabolism going kaput. I'm definitely still going to work out today.

Deactivated my twitter account, for those of you who are wondering where that went. I was mostly using it to look at thinspo. Not gonna lie, I created a new private one just for thinspo, but at least now people won't see what I'm looking at and connect it with me and none of you guys will see stuff and be triggered. That's one thing that twitter is good for, fast easy constant feed of #thinspo #sorrynotsorry.

I thought I'd share something I found to be beautiful today. This DISNEY SHORT was breathtaking, everything from the music to the animation art to the story concept. I think its the sort of fairy tale that every girl dreams of having some day. Now the real question: do I think this is real or just something Disney inented to trap little girls like me in a daydream?

I don't think I know yet.

Eh, the music is still pretty.

Wisdom From Oscar Wilde

Virtual Hug...Loading...

Just found out yesterday about some big time scary news. The ultrasound is clean, which is great, but the colonoscopy got scheduled for Monday, which is both a blessing and a curse.

A blessing because we got it scheduled and going to get it over with! Yay! A curse because to prep for having my ass assaulted, I can't eat over half of my safe foods (things like almonds and pistachios and pecans and blackberries and raspberries and a whole host of other wonderful delights that I partake in ever day as part of my recovering meal plan).

And the last day I have to be on a clear liquid diet.

Even restrictions in regards to the colors of the foods that I can eat.

Ummmm...TRIGGERED!!!! Dude, you can't take away my safe foods! So this will be a bit of an adventure, we can definitely be sure of that.

On a happier note, my boyfriend is the absolute sweetest guy in the world. I came home yesterday to see a ginormous box on the front porch. Opened it up, and this is what I found...

Yes, Casey sent me a HUGE teddy bear (his name is Cappuccino, Chino for short). Yes, you know you're jealous!!

My Music, My Song

A couple of you have been commenting on a couple of videos that I recently posted on Youtube of me singing and playing piano (self taught...so no judging if I suck). I originally did this as a easy way to send videos to a friend because the files were too big for Facebook or Email. Well, I guess, people seem to like it, so I started posting a couple more (here is my most recent Your Song Cover that I posted yesterday).

Anyway, the reason I mention this is because it's been rather an exercise for me and something that I feel has been beneficial on multiple levels. First off, I have a "1 film" policy. I know that a lot of people who film covers of songs film over and over and over until they feel they have a take that is "good enough" or has few enough mistakes to post.

I knew that if I let myself do this, the perfectionist in me would go crazy, and really that's not what it's about. It's about playing and having fun and learning to get past mistakes and not let them ruin my attitude and perception of myself and the music I am making. Like I said, I have 0 training in piano or singing, so, yeah, you know what? I do it because I like it and music helps calm me down and I'm making something I hope to be beautiful and will bring some light and color into my world and it's not going to be perfect and that's ok.

So once I hit that record button on my phone, that's it.

Learning to not be perfect, and that its ok to make a mistake, pick yourself up, and move on.

And yes, sometimes I get really flustered after a mistake and it's a train wreck, haha. But that's part of the learning process.

Seeing myself on camera, especially from the angle I normally film has also been an exercise. Learning that people aren't looking at me and thinking "oh, she looks so fat." I'm the only one thinking that. It's ok to think that.

That being said, I did once re-record because I thought in my first take I looked fat. Eh, give me a break, its a learning process.

TOP SECRET HUSH HUSH

WARNING!!!!!!! MAJOR TOP SECRET HUSH HUSH!!!!!! MOM, IF SOMEHOW YOU HAVE DISCOVERED MY BLOG, STOP RIGHT HERE!!!!!

READERS, IF ANY OF YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH ME ON FACEBOOK OR KNOW MY MOM, PLEASE REMEMBER HUSH HUSH HUSH.

LIKE, I'M TALKIN PUSSYCAT DOLLS HUSH HUSH HERE.

"I DON'T WANT TO...SAY A SINGLE WOOOOORRRDDDDD HUSH HUSH....HUSH HUSH"

ANYWAYS, YOU GUYS GET THE IDEA. KEEP IT ON THE DOWN LOW.

SERIOUSLY!!!!

DOWN. LOW.

LOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so I mentioned before that we were doing sister's pictures for my mom's birthday (August the 8th). And by the way, thanks to Boulevard Portraits for a wonderful job, photo credit to Jessica Seaman. Here is a tiny preview of some of the finished work.

So I was SUPER DUPER nervous about this because I absolutely hate being photographed, but let me tell you, the photo viewing and choice for no edits and no photoshop on the photos (they are all natural light) may have been harder than the actual taking of the pictures. There were times when we were at her house running through them and I was like "Oh god, my face looks so fat!!!" or one pic where my tummy sticks out SOOOO BAD!!!!! But I keep reminding myself that I'm probably the only one who cares and my mom will love them anyway.

Definately an exercise...but I consider it a victory!

Truth

Cold French Fries

I was talking to a friend the other day and we were talking about binging and something, that I thought was totally hilarious, came up. So from now on, the feeling after a binge will officially be described (as indicated by the title of this post) as "like cold french fries."

So. Much. Truth!

On a side note, I LOVELOVELOVELOVE this post from Laurie's notes! If you don't read her blog, you should totally check it out. Some amazing, profound, and inspirational words coming from a wise and wonderful woman: To Feel Again.

General Update and Blaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, a lot of you have been asking how my sonogram went and what the results show. The long and short of it is, I don't know. I haven't gotten the results back myself. Most likely I will find out at my appointment on July 31.

You know how it is with sonographers, they're not technically supposed to tell you anything until the radiologist has had a chance to take a gander at the pictures from the procedure. Sometimes you'll get a sonographer who will talk, sometimes you won't. It's kinda a coin toss.

My sonographer was really sweet and gentle. especially with the transvaginal portion of the day. I did have to ask her to stop about halfway through because it was so painful, but she said that that was ok and that she got the skeleton of what she needed anyway.

She spent a lot of time measuring on the left side, but at the end she made a sort of cryptic remark that indicated to me that everything might be A-OK. So we shall see what the doc says on the 31st.

I have not heard from the colonoscopy people yet or the PT people, so I don't have those appointments scheduled either.

As for the sisters pics, I know a couple of you have also expressed desire and curiosity in seeing those. I get to preview them and get the CD in my hands on this Sunday, so I'll post a preview not long after that. Remember it is a surprise for my mom's birthday, which isn't until August 8th, so I probably won't post more than one or two of them, just to be safe. Remember, hush hush!

As for how I'm doing with my eating disorder, I have downloaded a new app that splits food into meals and macronutrients and that I feel could really help me clarify my goals and keep careful track to really nail down what my food goals are and get control of whats going on with my weight and nutrition. My therapist had wanted me to see a dietitian again for a few months, but I've really been trying to avoid that, so I'm hoping to just get it under control on my own.

High anxiety and trouble with drugs. I had that under control for a while, but that's back when I started cutting again. Kristy says it's like playing whack-a-mole, because with EDs there is often so much else going on. You get the cutting under control, but the drugs become a problem, so you work on the drugs and then you start restricting, so you try to stop restricting and you over correct and start binging and then you get to where you're eating normally, but back to drugs and cutting.

Big news that I've really been trying not to let mess with my head, but kinda is, my boyfriend's ex got broken up with and is back to the world of being single. Yes, I know, I still have my fake account and am still friends with her. Yes, I know, this is bad for me, even though it is to see if maybe she'll post a full body pic or something that might indicate her weight. Yes, I am trying to stop and am working on it so don't get after me about being creepy, ok? I don't need that right now.

Anyway, the point is, I'm trying not to let this be a victory for me. I'm trying not to take the "I win you lose" mentality. I'm trying to simply focus on my recovery and not her weight, even though I do feel like she is thinner than me. But, hey, I mean, so what if she is thinner, right? I shouldn't care? So what if she is prettier?

Ok, lets stop lying to me, I do care.

Blarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, so that's the general update of what's going on right now with ED and Endo treatment. Special shout out to Kate who just found out she's having a little girl! Congrats!

Also, just as some general housekeeping stuff, if you notice off the the left, you will see I have links to my Cori Baker facebook page and my personal Instagram and Twitter accounts. If you would like, check me out and follow me, or maybe shoot me off a private message or a direct message. I LOVE hearing from my followers and meeting each and every one of you and getting to know you better. It makes this whole thing so much more close knit and personal and allows me to post with some of you and what you're going through in mind. I've certainly gotten to know some of you and it has really helped me in my journey, and (I hope) some of you in yours. So yeah, check those links out!

Storm Clouds

A Broken Body Isn't A Broken Person - Janine Shepherd

I absolutely loved THIS TED TALK by Janine Shepherd. It touched my heart because I have recently experienced my own "paradigm shift" in my world. How I view my life and myself has totally changed with the news that the endo may in fact not have returned and I may be dealing with something else entirely.

I mean, even my ED was 70% based on the endo, so just the idea that something so fundamental has changed, I don't know. I'm not saying I'm experiencing what she experienced when she was in that accident, but I am saying I am inspired by the way she dealt with the changes.

She could no longer run, so she learned to fly.

And how she didn't come to hate her body that had so betrayed her and taken away her dream of being in the olympics. Instead she loved it for what it could still do.

Just, inspiring. Check out the talk if you haven't yet!

Do You Like You?

I absolutely loved THIS VIDEO by Colbie Caillat and the message that it sends. I'm sure you guys have seen it floating around on Facebook and Google+ and various groups that you are part of, but it really does deserve some recognition!

Not wearing makeup or worrying too much about my hair is a decision I personally have made because I feel like it almost makes my body image worse. I know that sounds really counter intuitive, because you should feel better and more confident when you feel like you look better, right? That's at least what I thought. However, I have always dreaded doing things like dressing up and wearing makeup or trying to do something fancy with my hair.

I feel like part of it is that when I try to look nice or pretty or whatever and I feel like I'm failing, its a lot harder to swallow than just not trying at all. However, more recently, I think it's been more about just accepting me for me. I like my freckles and my bumps and quirks and I wear my hair in this odd sort of looped bun all the time that I don't think I've seen anyone else wear, but you know that's ok because that's how I do it. I wear bright contrasting shorts and tshirts like orange and purple with long knee high mismatched polka dotted and striped socks because you know what, that's how I roll.

It's about learning to like me.

And you know what, just being me takes so little stress or effort. When I'm out at the mall with my bun and green shorts and yellow tshirt, I am often not even really thinking about whether or not I look pretty. I'm just enjoying the time with whoever I'm with and having fun.

Like Colbie Caillat says in the song, "you don't have to try so hard."

I know I've mentioned before about the time I realized truly that any Average Jane can get on the computer, photoshop her own pictures, and put them on Facebook. Since that moment, I was so blatantly against photoshop and any kind of editing that hides a lie in the picture and tries to pass it off as real life. I mean, we all know when a photo has been filtered or words have been added or whatever, but it just bugs me that pictures I may be looking at as thinspo of someone I think is real life may have had acne removed, face thinned, body slimmed, hair thickened, or anything else.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm trying to say. Just that I absolutely love this song and video and the message it sends.

Letting the Stress Pass

Lots of growing happened yesterday. There were two big things that were causing me a lot of stress and worry that I conquered. One was the ultrasound and the other was the photoshoot with my sister for my mom's birthday (hush hush until August 8th! Its a secret).

The ultrasound is self explanatory. Went in yesterday morning and did a normal and a transvaginal. I had to ask her part way through to quit the transvaginal, and she said that was ok. She wouldn't say if she thought all was well or not without the radiologist's opinion, but she did make kinda a cryptic comment at the very end that sort of indicated to me that she might think all was clear and well.

That's all well and good, but it puts us back to square 1.

I mean, they can't see endo on an ultrasound anyway, but that would mean no simple solution like another cyst.

Anyway, so yesterday evening I went and did the photoshoot with Rachael, which I was OOBER DREADING. In case I haven't mentioned before, I really hate being photographed. It's something I'm working on, but something formal like this that I have no control over is really nerve wracking. I dont get to see the pictures and whether or not I look fat in them until next week and even when I do see them, its not about which pics I think I dont look fat in. It's about which pics my mom likes.

So, the growing has happened where I am deciding to try and just let go of these two things. They are out of my control now and there is no point worrying and stressing about what is now out of my control. I wont even know the results for a while, so no point in ruining these few days stressing about the future.

Just trying to be mindful in the moment now.

KU Med Appointment

Oh wow! So much news to tell! And so little time to tell it because I have to be at work in a short while. Haha, well, part of a busy life. So, KU Med yesterday:

We were there for over 2 hours, but the long and short of it is I LOVE the new specialist. She took the time to really explore everything and ask questions and listen to my answers and seemed to really want to figure out what is going on.

Basically what she said is that my endo was excised in 2011 (though she was mildly annoyed my old OB/Gyn didn't do a biopsy to positively confirm it was in fact endo) and she doesn't want to operate with "tunnel vision" by simply assuming the endo has returned. She also says that by the time you've been dealing with pain for as long as I have it's likely that multiple body systems are at play to try and cope with whatever's going on. She also paid attention to how my ED may be affecting everything. She asked a lot of questions about my poops...

I mean, man, I even offered her a pic of my poop that I just so happen to have on my phone (...dont ask) but she didn't want to see it and I'm like "dude, youve rejected a genuine bowel movement of mine that I felt was problematic. Haha, anyway... we'll stop talking about poop now. The long and short of it is she wants me to have a colonoscopy asap.

...oh joy.

And an ultrasound that I'm having in 3 hours. I'll let you guys know how that one goes.

Another oh joy. My uterus is retroverted so I have to have them trans-vaginally. For those of you who don't know what that means, lets just say that at Advice and Aid Pregnancy Centers where I intern, we lovingly call it "Dora the Explorer."

So, colonoscopy: check. Ultrasound: check. Then she wanted to do a pelvic exam, even though she knew that I had pain even trying to use something as simple as a tampon. This is where shit gets interesting. So I'm out of my skivvies covered by the little sheet waiting for her to come back in the room and me and my mom are talking about how nervous we are.

Me: I'm so nervous.
Mom: I'M nervous, and it's not even me on the table having my life laid out in front of me.
Me: Dude, don't be nervous, you're the mom. I'm probably feeding off your nervousness like a horse. And you're feeding off mine. We should do some mindfullness meditation.
Mom: Ok, what are we mindful of?
Me: Your body, your breathing, your heart beat. Just close your eyes and feel the sensations and accept what your body is offering you without judgement.
Mom: ...I have to pee again.

So the doc comes in and asks what's so funny and I simply say that we're laughing in the face of danger and then I get put in the little stirrups and she goes spelunking. She didn't get very far, I was in a lot of pain and she wasn't even able to tell anything about my uterus or ovaries. But she did find out one very important piece of information.

Doc: Relax
Me: I AM RELAXED
Doc: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: YES
Doc: Is it one of the three types of pain that you talked about?
Me: NO
Doc: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: YES
Doc: I told you to relax!
Me: I AM RELAXED
Doc: Contract this muscle for me.
I contract said muscle
Doc: OMIGOSH!!! You have the strongest and tightest pelvic floor I have ever felt.

Basically she said my relaxed in my entire pelvic floor is tighter than other people's contracted and that I'm just one giant knot of tension down there. So any time I am having pain, it's made 10 times worse by already tense and spasming muscles. Even when she was doing her thing down under she said that she thought if she had tried to go much further, she was afraid I was going to lunge across the table and punch her in the face and she really didn't want to do that because she would like to make it to lunch today.

So on that note, she's sending me to a sort of special pelvic floor physical therapist to loosen me up and try to get some of the tension out of those muscles.

Sooooo the plot thickens and we began talking about treatment options for the abdominal cramps themselves and she gave me three options that she said would all work whether the endo had in fact come back or not. Depo shot (which is a form of birth control), Lupron (which I had already decided I didn't want), and an IUD put in via Laperoscopy, where she could take a look inside me and check out for endo and other issues and take a biopsy and things like that.

Long story short, we're leaning towards the IUD and surge. Now, before any of my readers from the generation above me freak out about the IUD, they are much safer than they used to be and just have a bad name that they no longer deserve.

Basically an IUD is a T-shaped device that delivers a high dose of estrogen locally and can kill off any endo cells that may be present and help calm down the cramps and lighten flow.

So, all in all, I am feeling very positive and hopeful. I love her approach that, you know what, maybe the endo was entirely removed in 2011 like it was supposed to be and has in fact not returned and there are other nepharious systems at work here, like the muscles, nerves, and GI tract. And I feel super hopeful about the next few months.

Hopefully I'll be able to get all those tests and appointments and surge in before school starts so the IUD can have 3-6 months to regulate and start working. I'd really like my boyfriend to be here if I have another surgery, because I'm a wuss and a baby and want a hand to hold if I'm going under (hey, sue me) but his brother is getting married in California and, lets be honest, that's more important.

So yeah. Woah, lots of words! I have to get ready for work now. Just thought I'd update you guys on how things went! I'll let you know how the ultasound turns up soon!

Big News!

So excited! I got some awesome news yesterday. My endometriosis case has been accepted by one of the professor MDs at KU Med and she wants to see me TOMORROW! I'm so nervous, but at the same time so excited! I'll let you know how it goes!

This hopefully means I wont have to go on Lupron, which is a drug for prostate cancer and pretty much the only option my current doctor was giving me. I am feeling hopeful!

Omaha Weekend Picture Dump

At the Omaha Zoo

Scott's Aquarium!

The Butterfly Garden!

Yes, we're silly =)

Watching fireworks!

A little time in Omaha

Hiking and tree-houses!

Eating Disorder Treatment Cats

This link Eating Disorder Treatment Cats totally made my day today, so I thought I'd share. Be prepared to laugh!

Heading to Omaha today for a few days, so updates may be a little sketch. I probably won't be able to write a "proper" post until Sunday. So happy fourth to all you USAers

Lessons Learned From Lilo and Stitch

So when I was a kid, we didn't watch a lot of Disney movies (I know, I know, I'm missing an integral part of childhood. Sue me. Or sue my parents. Whichever. Anyway.) I mean, I'd seen a number of the "classics" in my high school baby sitting days (think Aladdin and Sleeping Beauty) and my parents had taken us to see a few in theaters when we were little (though we didn't stay for all of the Little Mermaid because apparently I said the witch gal was "evil" and we shouldn't be watching. My mom marched us straight out of the theater in an attempt to encourage my 3 year old sense of discernment.) but this summer I've been trying to catch up on a few that I know I'd missed.

Think the more obscure ones here, like Pocahontas, Atlantis, the Emperor's New Groove, The Hunchback of Notre Dame. And, in case you haven't gathered yet from the title of this post, Lilo and Stitch.

Now, I know what you're thinking here. She's going to go into the whole "Ohana means family" shpeal and we're going to get that cheesy lecture that we've heard a thousand times and it's all going to be hunky dory and overdone and blablabla.

Well, while ohana does mean family and that's a very nice saying and Stitch is extremely cute and I totally wouldn't mind if he were MY ohana, that's not what I'm going for this morning. I'm going more for this moment where Lilo is laying on the ground in utter misery, convinced that the world is ending. The moment that I know we've all experienced at some point in our lives where you want to yell at whoever is invading your personal space "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM!" The moment where its like "yup, life is fucking bull shit and this is the end and I'm just going to lay here until I decompose. This moment right here.

And then Stitch shows up! Funny how that always seems to happen when we're at our total worst. Someone comes along and somehow everything becomes ok again. The world keeps turning, the sun rises and sets, and (despite our strongest beliefs) we somehow don't get "fat".

I remember once last summer when I was with my first shrink and the doc was talking about the effects of catastrophizing and asking me what was the worst that could happen. I had just gone through one of the larger and more anxiety provoking challenges and we were processing through my mental state. I touched my head, and my arms, and said something along the lines of "Well, all my limbs are still attached, and my head is still on straight. So, I seem to be here, and I seem to be ok. It must not have been so bad."

I know sometimes it feels like this is the total end. "The day may come when the caffeine runs dry and we all put our head between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye. And it IS THIS DAY! Retreat motherfuckers! Every man for himself!" But you know what?

Lilo was ok. I'm ok. That person who reads this blog in Russia is ok (shoutout to you by the way. I think it's awesome that you're from Russia! I don't think I've ever heard from you, but you're really cool because hey, RUSSIA, and it says in my stats that you read consistently, so I'm glad that A: the translate function works, or B: that you know english. I mean, not saying our Frenchers or Germaners or Singaporians or UKers or USAers or Malasians or Afghanistanians or all the rest of you aren't cool. I mean, you all are! Shout out to all of you! Especially you from Italy since you're new! Glad you found our little community <3 And you know what, like Lilo, YOU'LL ALL BE OK! Ok, I'm going to get my foot out of my mouth. I was just using the person from Russia to make a point. You'll be ok hon!)

Anyway, my point is that, just like in Disney, it will all end up ok in the end. Don't give up hope when you're laying on the ground just waiting to die, because those feelings WILL come and they will SUCK. It's ok to wallow in your misery every once in a while.

Just don't forget to get back up again when you're done =)

Grace

Working on this one today. We definitely all need to give ourselves a little grace from time to time. For example, today has been a really rough endo day, and I'm having trouble resigning myself to no work out. I'm in a lot of pain, so it's not like I have much choice in the matter, but I am trying to be ok with the anxiety and the feelings of fatness that come with laying in bed all day. I tried to take a bike ride, but the pain was just too much and after about two minutes, I turned around and came home.

But you know what, it's ok to have a day in bed on the computer watching netflix. That's ok, because that's what I need to do to take care of myself right now. That is grace.