The most amazing weekend ever. My boyfriend came over and camped out at my place with his computer and we literally cuddled and talked and played chess and video games all weekend. The best distraction ever! Now I have loads of homework to catch up on for midterms on Wednesday, but Fall Break starts Thursday, so the end is near! I think I'm going to hang out here Wednesday night and then head back to Kansas City early Thursday morning.
I think I've said this before, but my boyfriend is the best support I could possibly have with regards to my illness and ED. He also is why I eat about half of the food I eat, and workout about half the time I really would like to. He is such a motivation for me, and I am so grateful. We were at Subway last night and I froze up and started to have a panic attack because I not only was about to have bread at dinner time (which is against one of ED's rules) I also hadn't worked out yet that day because I'd spent all my time with him. There was no one else at the Subway, so no one was waiting on us, but the workers began to make it their life's goal to coach me on my decision. There was much laughter and fun on their part. And I don't blame them, it was all in good fun and they were just trying to be helpful. They didn't know I was freaking out. Finally I turned to Casey and said "just pick something" because I knew I couldn't make the choice. He ordered grilled chicken. Then when we got back to the car, with me as a nervous wreck, he asked what happened and helped talk me through it. Not going to lie, without him, I'd be in trouble. We watched Adventure Time after that until I calmed down.
I think I'm slipping though, back into Ana's ways. I have been restricting and working out a lot, and I just haven't been hungry. But I've also been absolutely freezing cold (to the touch) and my brain has been foggy and I've been forgetting things and getting light headed. On one hand, I want to keep losing weight, on the other hand, I know if I keep losing weight I will also lose everything else I've worked so hard for over the past 4 months, including my boyfriend. He says he will stick around and help as much as he can, but he also says that if it comes down to him watching me starve myself to death, he can't do it. He says it would be too painful. I know I can't do that to him though. Or to my family and other friends. I've attempted suicide twice in the past, and the reason I've decided to not include suicide as a viable option anymore is because I know what it would do to my 2 best friends and my sister and mom. I can't do that.
This winter will be devilishly cold if I can't gain some weight. It's cold now in my room. I'm wearing a shirt, sweatshirt, sweatpants, and am all wrapped up in a blanket. And it's 60 degrees outside!
When my boyfriend's here we can cuddle and he keeps me warm. *Dreamy Sigh*
Ok, enough of that cheesy horse shit. But guys are always warm! I don't understand it.
I had a bit of a panic attack this morning. I'm a member of a selective honors group, and this has provided me with basically a full ride scholarship, but I have to fulfill certain requirements to remain eligible. I'm falling painfully short and am in danger of getting kicked out. I don't know what to do. I'm having so much trouble functioning on the most basic level.
I think I'm relapsing.
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