More news, Casey got an interview with the summer camp he was super excited about potentially working at. It was at 4:30 yesterday. I skyped with him afterwards, and he said he thought it went REALLY well! Continued positive thoughts sent his way would be appreciated.
A little bit of the anxious girlfriend in me is freaking out. If he does get the job, he'll go all week with no cell phone or internet, and we'll only be able to talk on the weekends. It would also mean I would have very little chance or opportunity to fly down to Dallas and see him, or for him to fly up here to KC. Much more nerve, wracking, but we both agreed that this could be a good opportunity for us to build character. And we can still write to each other.
The ED voice in me (which has already got me back using MyFitnessPal to track calories) is telling me that this is a prime time to lose the 30 pounds I've gained in trying to recover. I met with Kristy my therapist on Thursday in Joplin and totally lied to her on how I was doing. I'm really struggling hard.
On a positive note, while I was in Joplin, I went down to the Ruby Jack Trail and got some really cool pictures! It's one of my favorite areas around Carl Junction, aside from the Grand Falls. I may even like this trail better than Wildcat Glades. Nice and secluded, so no one ever is on it.
I really like the quote (credit to Icon For Hire's The Gray) I put over the picture at Ruby Jack above because it really describes where I am right now in the recovery process. I don't know whats ahead, I don't even know if full recovery is possible for me. But I am nonetheless faced with the choice of whether or not to move forward, move backward, or remain stagnant. My mind is like that trail. I go to and fro, sometimes veering off the path, sometimes finding treasures along the way like a beautiful butterfly wing, and bird egg, or a pretty rock that I proceed to tuck into my pocket. A lie to myself that I am lost, for I KNOW my way back; I don't want to go and let you see all that has become of me.
I should've known I didn't have a prayer.
Yet, words still escape the confines of my mind to move others along and encourage, for in your deepest pain, in your weakest hour, in your darkest night, YOU ARE LOVELY!
I guess this is what happens when you go on a secluded hike along a nature trails for 2 hours; existentialist thinking.
Anyway, I promised you guys I'd show you how making dinner went, so here is a little collage of that experience. I surprised my mom with a roasted chicken with bell peppers in a orange/peanut/curry sauce and toasted peanuts and coconut on top. I thought it actually turned out pretty well. Dad's not much of a fan of curry, so it wasn't his favorite, but it is definitely something I would make again. And it's always fun to try new recipes. I mean, you guys know me: I'm definitely a foodie! And I like experimenting.
Good news regarding the internship. The head honcho boss really loves me and is chomping at the bit for me to come back even before I'm supposed to officially start. My mom said she totally liked my candor and opinion regarding the web site, and they are now going against the web designer and picking the layout I liked! (I mean, come on guys. If I'm pregnant and coming to AAPC, I don't want to see a web site with flowers and butterflies. I'm in a crisis, and that's going to piss me off.) So I think I'm going in again this Monday to help with some of the data entry after the walk. Hopefully after all this grunt work, I might earn my way into some client interaction! I mean, I know I went in knowing that I wasn't 21 and that I was basically taking whatever they would give me, but a little would still be nice. I'm allowed to hope, right? And there IS always next summer to look forward to. At this point, I pretty much KNOW they would take me back, and that I would get to be in the client rooms actually getting my hands dirty and doing some counseling! This summer is just getting my feet wet.
Did I tell you guys I got all my grades in? 2 As and the rest are Bs. I mean, I can't complain, it was a totally shit semester. I was lucky I got away with what I did. Dillon messaged me the other day as well and said he passed all his classes, and Casey messaged me to say he got an unexpected C in Chem 2 (one of the most difficult college courses) when he had basically resigned himself to a D! Lots to celebrate!
Speaking of Dillon, if you guys could just keep him in your thoughts, that would be great. I'm not at liberty to say what's going on with him, but he's having a bit of a rough go, so any thoughts or positive vibes or prayers would be appreciated.
Wow, sorry for the long rambly post! There's just so much news! Hopefully soon I'll be able to tell you guys how it goes at the farmstead today and have some pictures of baby goats =)
hey ladybug, good to know about the trail. Have been wanting to go on it for a long time. And hey, here are the pictures! so never mind the other comment about posting them.
ReplyDeleteincredible headway you've been making at the internship place ALREADY and you haven't officially started. that's pretty hilarious, but in a cool way.
now, i'm here to support you and learn about things...but lying to your therapist? tsk tsk, you want so much to help young ladies in their crises. how would you feel if one of your clients('?) was lying to you? I suppose it is expected with the job. But, something to think about.
it is saddening to hear that you are at a place where you don't know where you're going, only because you cannot decide, you know? You do have the ability to choose, i imagine, just something (ED probably) is keeping you from that. But then again, we're only giving ED too much power.
i hate feeling that way, when all you do is give, and yet you receive nothing in return. that may be the case with some friends or people, but know in your heart that you are not that way, and i hope you do your best to get the negativity of 'they don't do it for me either' out of there. or maybe try asking for help? idk, i'm spewing out things too lol. take good care chica!
Hey, spewing things out happens sometimes! I'm a horrible rambler. But I think that rambling has it's place because when we start rambling sometimes we stumble onto something really profound that we didnt realize we had in us, you know? And yeah, I suppose lying to the therapist isn't the best. I even wrote a post once about how inefficient it is to lie to your therapist! Lol!
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