I talked to a friend this morning, a girl I've been helping walk through some of the finer aspects of trying to get into treatment. I feel like such a hypocrite, telling her to get away from her abusive boyfriend when I know how long I stayed with mine. Telling her that I know she is strong enough to clean up when I'm back to using. Promising her that it will be ok to eat and that the anxiety will pass when ED is so at the reigns right now.
I talked to another friend (lets call him Dizzle) this morning who was asking me about the drugs and my progress. Asking me how I was doing. Dismissing my answers that I was fine and asking how things are really.
I mean, its like the poem I wrote the other week, right? Chin up, pocket your tears. Ignore the falling rain in the hopes that somehow it will make its way back into the cloud where it came from. I realized today that ignoring it doesn't mean its gone. It doesn't mean it's fixed, as much as we want to believe it is.
A year later, finally confessed to the assault experienced. Told Dizzle, and I'm pretty sure I could hear the steam whistling out his ears as he seethed about wanting to kill the guy. Finally admitted that my eating and body are more screwed up than ever before. Finally admitted that all the time I've considered myself recovered has been a time of just another type of lies. Recovery itself is a lie. Just a bunch of fucked up people waltzing around preaching from their soap box and pretending to be ok.
I don't know where this is going today. Dizzle told me to keep texting because he was worried about me, but I don't have the heart to worry him. My boyfriend skyped with me last night and asked how I was doing and I just smiled and asked him about his week. Blew off his questions. Gushed about how happy I was that he was enjoying his new job and the time with his family.
The reality of an Eating Disorder is that ED never leaves. He's always there. You can turn the volume down. You can shove your friends and family in front of him with the hopes that they will drown him out. You can tell yourself all day that you love what you are and you don't crave the feeling of your bones pressing against your skin every morning when you wake up. But he's always one step behind. Peeking around the corner.
Dizzle keeps reminding me about the people I help. The people who read my blog or who are part of my Hello Life recovery group (shoutout to Shira! You have all my love and support in your month of mindfullness! Right there with you! Reading about your mindfulness has helped to remind me of my own lies to myself and my need to return to mindfulness and meditation.) and he keeps talking about lives I've saved. People I've talked down. Self harmers. People contemplating suicide. People I've referred to therapists and professional help.
There's so much hurt in the world. So many hearts to touch. How can I touch them all? How can I help every girl on twitter who's account name is @anamakemethin or @cutterxx or @perfectly_dying. And even more importantly, how can I keep up this lie of recovery and spread it to all those hearts I wish to touch when I can't even believe it myself?
Sorry for the negative post this morning, I know I try not to be too negative for you guys. Just some of my thoughts I guess.
On a more positive note, I had my first few days at the office on my internship. I got to see my very first baby sono! so exciting. I mean, I've seen sonos before, but mostly of my own insides, and that's no fun! The woman was 15 weeks and is thinking about naming it Elijah. Don't officially know if it's a boy or a girl yet, but we all agreed we were getting boy vibes. Hey, we're girls, we know these things!
Yesterday they had me working on a promotional video for some of the volunteer meetings. Lots of pictures of cute babies and volunteers doing shit and more cute babies and more volunteers doing shit and more cute babies...etc... Funny story, I'm looking through some of the AAPC photo files to find pics of cute babies and it was just one awkward baby face after another! A while later my boss asked how things were going and without thinking I answered "You guys have a lot of butt ugly babies here!" She laughed thankfully. It's a good thing she's so chill or I have a feeling out be out of there pretty quickly. Decided after taking my shoes off, shoving the chair back and turning on some music in the office so I could wiggle around a little that I am not made for desk work!
One last note, remember that the NEDA walk is 1 week from today! To help support, just follow the tab above and it will give you all the information you need. Speaking as someone who has experienced the hell of overdoses and hospitalization due to my ED, I can tell you that EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness and sufferers have shorter life expectancies than smokers. Donating just $1 can help fund 1 minute on the NEDA hotline and ultimately SAVE A LIFE. So if this is something you feel passionate about and want to help out with, check out the tab above!
Have a great day guys! Hug someone you love today.
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